I was 15 when I developed my eating disorder. Like many others who struggle with eating disorders, mine happened in the blink of an eye. I went from wanting to eat healthier and going to the gym, to obsessive behaviors, anxiety-ridden attacks over food and isolating myself to stick to my rigid regime. I went from being someone who didn’t think about food to someone fully obsessed.
The process of recovering from this disorder happened rather abruptly. After learning I had a classified eating disorder, I chose to recover without the help of an inpatient or outpatient treatment. Unlike many others struggling, I didn’t put up much of a fight either. Over the course of the summer of 2012, I spent my days slowly eating more food, loosening the reins on my strict behaviors and began to get back to who I was before it all began.
But that was exactly the problem. Once you have an eating disorder, it stays with you.
You can’t undo what you’ve “learned” or “experienced” during that time. You can’t stop having certain fears or rules related to food and eating; your habits stay with you. Can they be placed further back in your mind and thought process? Sure. Can they control you a whole lot less than they did during your eating disorder? Most certainly. Will you ever go back to who you were before your eating disorder, in terms of how you feel towards food, weight loss and body image? Unfortunately, no.
You never really get rid of your eating disorder and as pessimistic as that sounds, it’s the truth. Your mindset will always be somewhat altered, and that’s just how it is.
No one tells you that you will have this altered relationship post-recovery. You go up in weight and you feel better, but there is a long and winding road after you experience something like that.
No one tells you a majority of the time, you will find yourself, yet again, unhappy with who you are.
Whether that be weight-related, food-related, exercise-related or even relationship-related. No one tells you that you will find yourself heavier than you ever were, stuck in a vortex of self-doubt and unhappiness.
No one tells you that you will find yourself constantly feeling like you’re running a race you can’t win. No one tells you these things, because until you experience them, they’re simply not relatable.
You can’t wrap your head around the fact that you are going through these things. You think you have no grip on whats going on, you think you are a failure. But what you have to remember is you’re the furthest thing from that. You are more in touch with yourself than you ever could be.
You have been through a whole lot and learned a whole lot about who you are. You have been mad, sad, happy and glad and everything in between.
You act true to yourself and know it’s okay to be okay. You learn that you are constantly evolving. A post on Instagram posted by NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association) reads, “It’s never too late to recover.”
It is never too late to keep on trying, it is never too late to keep on finding out more about yourself. It is never too late to keep on falling, and getting back up. And most importantly, you are not alone in any of it.
If you’re seeking help with your own disease or even seeking information to help a loved one, I urge you to visit the National Eating Disorder Awareness website or call the Information & Referral Helpline at (800) 931-2237.