Whole Foods announced today that they are negotiating a 90-billion dollar merger with Naturopathic Healthcare, a New Jersey-based company that specializes in colonics. The deal will allow Whole Foods to install colonic therapy clinics in hundreds of franchises in major US cities. I know, right? Sounds insane. Well, with all the statements CEO John Mackey made a few years ago, you probably should have seen this coming. And Whole Foods is all about the kale, so marketing an actual colonics treatment isn’t too many steps in an unfathomable direction. “Basically,” said Emily Knott, spokesperson for Whole Foods, “It’ll be like a Minute Clinic for your colon.”
And why should you care, oh-so-hip college student? Because think about it. Do you know what kind of junk you put in your body on a daily basis? That vending machine nonsense that you stuff in your mouth before you can think about what it is? Yeah, every time you eat a Big Mac, it’s like slapping your colon in the face. This is hydrotherapy for a part of you you didn’t even know needed love.
Plus, this deal will create thousands of new jobs for colon therapy technicians. (Kind of makes you want to switch your major to public health, huh?)
What do you think? Is this deal cool or disgusting? Personally, I think it’s just a step too far. I can understand a salad bar in a grocery store, but a design-your-own organic enema station? Kinda gives a new meaning to the name Whole Foods.
April Fools.