Get up… It’s GAMEDAY.
The time has come… everyone’s favorite time of year, when two worlds unite to bring love, happiness, and rivalry back to our lives; it’s the season of football and Pumpkin Spice Lattes. In honor of the week of return for both, I’ve decided to create the sweetest correlation you’ve ever seen.
For those football fans who only order with the words “draft” and “pint”, this is your chance to gain some insight on a world that can no longer be avoided. I recommend that you use this article as a pocket-guide for the date you bring to the game; chances are, it’ll help them understand better than any muffled explanation you try to give them come gametime. And for you Starbucks connoisseurs who admittedly know nothing about football but have a big heart for your school, maybe this will make a “first and ten” a bit easier to grasp.
**kickoff ensues**
**COOOOOFFFFFFFFF—–EEEEE!**
Protein Blended Cold Brew
Alabama. The name lacks excitement, tries to act tough, and intimidate all who come near. Are we talking about the drink or the team…? Regardless, it always comes in clutch and lives up to the power-house name. I honestly am willing to bet that if Nick Saban had his team order Starbucks they’d be mandated to get this (no sweeteners, of course) while the man himself would be kicking it back with a Cupcake Creme Frappuccino. We’re bored of your success, Bama, go find a drink your own size to pick on.
Triple Shot Grande Upside Down Caramel Macchiato
Ohio State. Coaching debacles have this team heading into the season surrounded by question marks and facing some major adversity. On the contrary, they are still THE Ohio State University and have a football program with a legacy that only few can compare to. I’m almost as concerned reading the name of this drink as I was when hearing of the controversy regarding the coaching staff that went down this past offseason, but I do know one thing: no matter who my barista is, the drink will always satisfy and take down any knock-off brand’s attempt.
Tall Vanilla Bean Creme Frappuccino
Penn State. Since their show of resilience in 2016, Penn State has been a non-college-football fan’s favorite team just like a frappuccino is a non-coffee-drinker’s favorite Starbucks product. But may I say, I am a coffee drinker to the point of worry and the Frappuccino is always in my top three. The Vanilla Bean Frapp not only tastes as sweet as their success will be this year (check back when they play Oklahoma for the natty), but it also perfectly reflects the greatest home-field tradition of all time: the White Out in Happy Valley. Why only a tall, you ask? The perfection cannot last forever, and unfortunately for you Nittany Lions, it’s not your year quite yet.
Espresso Con Panna
Texas A&M. Often forgotten about, sweet at the beginning, but leaving a bitter taste at the end. I always order this drink when I need a midday pick-me-up, and I always know that I will regret it when the crash hits a few hours later. Almost like how Texas A&M has a habit of winning 8 straight and crashing for their final 5 games of the season. I feel for the 12th Man, I really do, but you’ll live and learn eventually.
Pink Drink
Oregon. A team who went back into their dark PAC-12 cave after the reign of Marcus Mariota ended… but man do they look pretty through all of those losses. Although they may be irrelevant in terms of competition and the road to the playoffs, their uniforms never fail to put on a show. So here’s your little shoutout, Duck fans. Thank you for providing us stressed out, relevant fans with an aesthetically pleasing jersey week in and week out.
Pumpkin Spice Latte
Texas. A team who only comes out in the fall and tricks everyone into thinking they have potential (let’s be real, there are much better drinks than the PSL). The pictures of burnt orange jerseys and horns up may get you the likes on Instagram, but you have to have the game to back it up. Suppose you get a barista who made an exceptional, over-the-top Pumpkin Spice Latte (or picture Texas getting a coach that makes them… a threat…); the thing is, it will still come to an end. You’ll have one sweet moment, be up on your high horse going into the next game, just to be disappointed (again). Good luck this year Saxet, I at least hope you can get past Maryland this year
Cinnamon Dolce Latte
Oklahoma. Never given the respect it deserves, always on the backburner when it comes to ESPN postseason predictions (and the CFB Playoff Committee), and never fails to prove all of the doubters wrong. Baker Mayfield was a god of his own, yes, but to think that the dual threat of Kyler Murray and Rodney Anderson cannot fill those shoes is straight ignorance, as is blinding yourself for the delicacy that is the Cinnamon Dolce Latte. The drink is not often heard of because it tends to be masked by the Pumpkin Spice Latte, but when we take a step back for a reality check, we all know who comes out on top. Cinnamon is the original flavor of fall… nothing rings in the new football season like a perfectly spiced latte and the chase for eight.
So, there you have it. Here’s to the one team and their true and constant fans who will end the season without disappointment. At least the rest of us will always have Starbae to turn too.
