It’s over, bro beans. Consider this a break up. I have idly stood by for too long and allowed you to take whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted it, and it is about time I stood up for myself and stopped this once and for all. From now on, you are no longer allowed to have any of my food.
No more chips, no more “tiny” bite of my sandwich. No more, “Come on dude! It’s just one fry.” I am sick of you trampling over me, and enough is enough. I have always been a great brotato from day one. I spot you at the gym, I listen and give you advice, and I even showed you how to make banana snickerdoodles when you needed to bring in baked goods for class.
I have never judged you, including that time last year when our team won the game in OT, and during our celebration you kissed me on the lips. I didn’t say anything; I smacked your ass and screamed “Saturdays are for the boys!”
It was never a big deal. I mean, it is kind of annoying, but I can’t say no to you asking for a small bit of my food because that’ll make me look like an asshole. So I’ll begrudgingly allow you access to my plate, even at the risk of opening the floodgates and having every vulture ask for food, too. It’s all good though, because you’re my best bud, and if I have to give up some of my meal, then thats a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
I wouldn’t be writing this if it wasn’t for the shit you pulled last weekend. You came over to my place to play some 2K and had a Jimmy John’s 8″ Vito Sub with a bag of chips. The sandwich was a glorious sight, but I tried to suppress my red hot desire for your sub by acting focused on the game.
We started playing, and at halftime I reached over for a chip. Normally any decent person would ask first, but since I have given you so much and we’re so close, I figured it’d be okay. You immediately smacked my hand, and said “nah, brovacado, I’m really hungry.”
After all we’ve been through? Late night drink seshs, long study nights, shamelessly bumping Train in the car because their music is great and highly under rated… I’ve given you so much over the years, and that slap on the hand was a slap on the face.
From now on, I am giving you NONE of my food. Find some other bro to mooch food off of. We can still throw the pigskin around and watch Blue Mountain State, but my meals stay my meals. I paid for an over-priced burrito from Chiplote for MYSELF and myself only, and it’s gonna stay that way.