Have you ever started dating someone and then when your mom called to ask what he’s like, you were at a loss of words? You are not alone. Sometimes the guy is just way too complicated to describe in one cohesive sentence. Or maybe he’s just too embarrassing to talk about. Now there’s an easy formula to help you break down what your boy is like.
Everyone likes donuts, everyone understands donuts, so why not describe your boyfriend with donuts? Next time Mom or Nana call asking about the boy in your new profile picture, all you need to say is “Oreo Crumbles, guys. Obviously,” and then everyone will be on the same page.
Sprinkles – The Competitive Boyfriend
A sprinkles covered donut is the boyfriend who out-shined you in every aspect of your life. They were a 10/10, had the freshest style, smelled like cologne in his sleep, and scored five points better than you on every exam; they were you times seven and it sucked. So you chucked ’em in the can and never looked back because you don’t need that kind of colorful competition in your life.
Boston Cream – The Oversexualized Boyfriend
I don’t think I really need to expand much on this bad boy. Boston Cream is the oversexualized boyfriend that lasted a week. He couldn’t stop reaching for dat ass; you couldn’t keep your hands off that delicious core, and we don’t blame you. He constantly told you you were the most beautiful girl, and “size doesn’t matter,” but at the end of the day, he added that extra weight in your life and it was time to say goodbye.
Glazed – The Goodie Two Shoes
Glazed is the boyfriend you were proud to bring home to ma and pa. He was a goodie-two shoes and never did any wrong in his life. Your parents loved him. “Oh, sweetie, he is just the cutest! Did ya know he’s studying to save animals facing extinction in different parts of Africa while giving back to his local communities on the weekends because he just has the greatest little beating heart around town?”
Ya Mom, I know. He was almost too good to be true… Which is why there was no way in hell it could ever last.
Chocolate Glazed – The Hypnotic Boyfriend
The smooth talker. This god damn donut equivalent man was a sly one. He got away with whatever he wanted with his slick demeanor and polished moves. He wanted you to grab him a glass of milk, you did it, without even realizing what in the literal depths of hell was happening. He was hypnotizing.
Flavor of the Month – The Emotionally Unstable Boyfriend
This is the boyfriend you were always embarrassed to say you were with. He was emotionally unstable, couldn’t make up his mind. Now don’t get me wrong — he had some good days, even a good month here and there. October and November he probably felt the most alive and well while his favorite flavor of pumpkin spice literally everything circulated the solar system.
But it just got to a point deep into the holiday season when it seemed like he was just a god forsaken mess every day you were together and every day he was alive. We get it. Winter season is hard, cold, and flavorless.
Jelly Filled – The Virgin
Ah, yes, the good ole strawberry-type man. This messy jelly filled donut-like man boy really made you felt like the cougar you’ve always wanted to be. They are the ones who waited a little longer than others to slide in between yo’ sheets. They were coy, gentle souls, maybe even a little intimidated by you.
They’re the ones who, after previously failed attempts to get frisky, gave you their hearts and jeans. Basically, they gave you their virginity if I am not being clear. They willingly handed you their metaphorical strawberry lovin’ insides to love for a night.
Cinnamon Sugar – Uncomfortably Kind Boyfriend
Cinnamon sugar is the southern boy you bumped into at a grocery store after you dropped your packaged ham on the floor and he kindly placed it back in your cart. He had a thick southern accent, which usually would be a turn off, but there was something about that sweet smile and demeanor.
He was your stereotypical Mama’s Boy, and that was okay. It worked for a while, but then it got weird because he never stopped smiling. He was too nice, it was unreal. There’s no way someone could be that genuinely sweet and satisfying so you slowly backed away.
Smokey Bacon – The Lumberjack Bearded Hipster Boyfriend
My favorite flavor, my favorite man. Bearded, lumberjack, beer soaked meat-loving, all encompassing hot piece of ass is equivalent to the delicately crafted smokey bacon glazed calorie-ridden, finger-licking, tear worthy donut. I’m literally sweating just thinking about it. Quite the intro for quite the man. This is the boyfriend you were proud to flaunt like a brand new Birkin bag. Everyone stopped and stared, some even gave you the death stare for being the one girliest gal to have tamed the untamable. The realest donut for the realest man.
9. Salted Caramel – The Spring Break Tease Boyfriend
The one who got away. That sun-kissed Panama Beach spring break fling that lasted nothing more than two hours of your trip, but felt like a glorious eternity. It was almost too good to be true. Those chizzled abs, perfectly tanned body, sweet ass smile. The relationship lasted almost as long as it took to eat it’s DE (donut equivalent).
Plain – The High School Boyfriend
Plain is the boyfriend you dated sophomore year in high school after you went to homecoming, but won’t stop reaching out to you four years later. The relationship was bland and dryer than the lowest point in hell. Maybe it was your first relationship and you didn’t better. Maybe you knew better, but was desperate for a date to homecoming. Regardless, it was a mistake and we can move on to better, more flavorful men, like Dulce de Leche.
Dulce de Leche – The Latin Lover
Dulce de Leche is that Ricky Martin-esqe Latin lover you met on your study abroad program over the summer that “changed your life forever.” His hips could gyrate faster than the speed of light and his accent prevented him from having an actual conversation with him, but you didn’t care. His sweet caramel skin and the way he rolled his “R’s” kept you coming back for seconds, fifths, and twelfths until you realized you have will power and some self control.
White Chocolate Raspberry – The Snazzy Boyfriend
Munchkins are the college boyfriends you wish you never had. They totally skipped through puberty so their minds work much like a 3 year old. They laugh at the word “poopie” and their idea of comforting is by patting your head awkwardly and uncomfortably, but you stayed with them longer than a minute because their heart was made of a piece of damn gold. The reason why you left? Because they were too easy — you got everything you wanted because they didn’t know better. You could swallow them whole and spit them out, and it just felt so wrong.