Long long ago, my dad had this brilliant idea. My brother and I would have to divide our Halloween candy into three equal piles, one to freeze for later consumption, one for more immediate gratification, and one to give to charity. Brilliant way to reduce our sugar intake, Dad.
Well this got my ten-year-old self to thinking, “What candies are actually the most disgusting?” Not to hate on giving to charity, but a girl’s gotta keep the Reese’s for herself. So here you have it — the Halloween candies I shun to this day. Thanks, Dad.
Dots
Photo by Kristen Wang
Everyone: stop lying. Dots have mediocre flavors and remain glued to your molars until you brush, floss, and repeat. Nobody likes them, they just came in the variety candy bag.
Banana Laffy Taffy
Photo courtesy of candynation.com
Okay so my dad eats these? My brother and I used to make little piles of all this yellow sadness to pass his way. It tastes like Novocain and that is not a taste anyone cares to be reminded of.
Pretzels
Photo by Elizabeth Laymen
Not even candy…? Whenever I see a bag of pretzels making its way into my pillowcase, I’m immediately disappointed in whichever neighbor thought they were clever. My dad got pretzels to give out last year, and he deserved every ounce of ridicule my brother and I gave him.
Smarties
Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
Yummm chalk. JUST KIDDING. Smarties must be cheap, because I always got an abundance of them in my Halloween candy, but no one actually likes them. Please, don’t lie. They’re the pathetic cousin of Sweet Tarts.
Candy Corn
Photo by Viola Spahiu
Some people live and die by candy corn. I think it’s more of a sentimental thing, honestly, because the texture is like they came from the moon, and they taste like plastic. Let’s all just give up on the sentiment and banish candy corn for good.
6. Atomic Fireballs
Photo courtesy of Tumblr
Fireballs are somewhat fun when you use them to play the game where the first to change their facial expression loses, but they get disgusting soon after the shocking spice. Honestly, they’re just worthless. Another from the variety pack…
These Strawberry Things
Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
You know the ones with strawberry wrappers? And the jelly inside? Do these even have a brand? Or, like, nutrition facts? Where do they come from? Have you ever seen them in a store? I haven’t, and that leads me to believe that they’re questionable. Also, they don’t taste particularly good.
Raisins
Gif courtesy of giphy.com
Again, not candy, people. Raisins are like the sad, wannabe distant cousin of grape Jolly Ranchers. They taste horrible, and they aren’t bad for you, so I reject them.
Tootsie Rolls
Photo courtesy of tumblr.com
There are definitely worse candies in the world than Tootsie Rolls, but what is more disappointing than finding 20 Tootsie Rolls instead of a king size Snickers? They’re just not special, I guess.
Milk Duds
Photo courtesy of tumblr.com
Who here enjoys having their molars ripped out of their jaws? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? That’s what I thought. No one. So why, I ask, do Milk Duds exist?
Jolly Ranchers
Photo by Kelda Baljon
They’re not half bad, but let’s save it for the candy that teachers give out in elementary school. They’re just disappointing on Halloween. No originality here.
Nerds
Photo courtesy of tumblr.com
Maybe in the 2000s, Nerds were acceptable. They were actually hot shit, if my memory serves right. But in all honesty, they are pretty gross. They taste terrible and feel like bugs in your mouth. Also, how much sugar is in these…?
Runts
Photo courtesy of tumblr.com
What a pathetic excuse for “candy.” They’re shaped like fruit, but that fools no one. Just some sugar with some food dye, formed into little nasty shapes. They taste terrible and are as hard as concrete. Chipped teeth anyone?
Gummy Body Parts
Photo courtesy of tumblr.com
Yay, Halloween, so creepy. Not. Not appetizing, not delicious, frankly quite odd. Please, throw them away before I even knock on your door.