Over the course of my life I’ve often found myself faced with difficult decisions. Should I get bangs? Does it matter that Ross and Rachel were on a break? But perhaps the most trying decision I’ve had to make recently was which form of birth control to use. Like many women, I started with birth control pills, but after Trump won the presidency and people started mass tweeting about getting an IUD before it’s too late, I had to reconsider my options.
In all honesty, I was never great at taking the pills. I tried all the tricks like putting the pills next to my makeup and setting an alarm, but I’d still wind up forgetting to take them every once in a while. The IUD seemed like a great fit, but after hearing horror stories about the painful process I was hesitant. However, I ended up biting the bullet and scheduling an appointment. So, in the interest of helping others make up their minds, here is the play by play of my experience getting an IUD. Spoiler alert: I survived.
As I walked into the doctor’s office and signed in, my nerves were at an all time high. For a split second, I was ready to tell the receptionist never mind, run out of the door, drive home, and hide under my blankets for the rest of the day. But in the most miraculous of fashions I scheduled my appointment on a day where the office was conducting a research study on young couples with kids.
The excessive amounts of tiny humans running around the lobby half screaming, half crying helped soothe my fears. As someone who can barely stand carrying my backpack to class, how the hell would I manage carrying a human in my uterus for nine months? This IUD was happening.
I arrived early to give myself a chance to chicken out if I wanted, but I forgot to factor in having to give a urine sample to make sure I wasn’t pregnant. The longer I waited, the more I needed to pee, and by the time the called my name I ran to the bathroom in a fashion similar to a contestant running down the aisles on “The Price is Right.”
In the middle of leaving my cup behind the two-way door they keep in the bathroom, I started having an existential crisis over the color of my urine. Was it too dark? Too light? Is there really a god? It was a strange moment, but finally I was allowed to go back into a room and disrobe.
There are several different IUD options, and in the midst of my anxiety over the whole process I didn’t actually request a specific one. When I walked into my room I saw the Mirena device waiting for me, which is a hormonal IUD as opposed to ParaGuard, which is the copper IUD. I barely had enough time to snap a pic and then take my pants off before the doctor came in ready for showtime.
As I laid back and spread my legs in the most unladylike of fashions, a million thoughts raced through my mind. I mean, what is the proper small talk to make when having your cervix sanitized? Weather? Traffic? How ’bout them Falcons? Maybe it was best to stay silent.
The doctor began a countdown to insertion, which is far less exciting than a NASA countdown, and right as I began to feel the equivalent of a bee sting all up in my lady business, he stopped. Was that it? Are we done? Unfortunately for me, no we weren’t. He looked up and apologized stating, “Wow you have a very stubborn cervix.”
There are several things you don’t want to hear in a gynecologist’s office, and being told I have a stubborn cervix is the kind of dirty talk that I’m not here for. He asked the nurse for a different instrument and began the process again. IUD insertion take two, electric boogaloo.
As he began the second try, the pain doubled. It was like period cramps and tattoo needles had a baby that was having a tantrum in my uterus. The device made it in, but the pain made me jump, forcing the device back out. This meant that the doctor and I were heading for round three.
The nurse offered my her hand, but out of fear of hurting her too I chose to grip the sides of the seat. I cursed more in the 10 seconds it took to insert the device for a third time than I have in all my college years combined. Thankfully the old adage was right — third time’s a charm.
The doctor said I would experience slight spotting for a while, but it’s been a week and besides the first day everything has been pretty normal. After going through the process of getting the IUD inserted not one, not two, but three times, here is my grand wisdom — it may hurt like a bitch, but you’ll survive.