Wanking, jerking, using the toys, choking the chicken, filling the hole, whatever you want to call it—you know what I mean. Masturbating is a common activity that pretty much everyone on the planet has thought about, tried, or got caught doing. However, there’s one question we might all be thinking, but not asking out loud: does masturbating burn calories?
Well, stranger, I have the answer. The short answer: yes. Everything burns calories, from setting your neighbor’s house on fire, to killing your cheating ex-boyfriend, and even jerking off. The better question is: how many calories?
Length Matters
First, we have to figure out how long of a session we’re talking about. If you’re taking a nice, long, leisurely stroll down ole’ orgasm lane, then you’ll be burning more calories. But if you’re really quick and are in a hurry because you’re afraid your roommate is coming home, you’re not burning as many calories.
Think of masturbating as a workout, because that’s essentially what it is. The longer you spend on your stroke game, the more your heart is in the zone.
Slow and Steady Doesn’t Always Win
If you’re beating your meat faster than your ex could, or filling your hole with something longer than five inches every .000381 seconds, you’re going to be burning more calories than the person who wants to enjoy their masturbating.
The key here is your heart rate. The faster your heart rate, the more likely you are to make this a cardio exercise. The length of your session matter, and so does the speed of your movements.
Extra Points for Style
Shoving your fingers into an orifice won’t burn as many calories compared to grasping your meat stick. Or if you’re super crazy and you’re doubling it up and doing both—you’ll be burning more calories than the average masturbator because there is more action and therefore more cardio.
After searching for some statistics and doing some of my own calculations, it appears to be that the average number of calories burned when masturbating is around 70.
All things considered, that’s not too bad, and it might just be that cardio you were looking for that the gym didn’t offer.
Putting it in Perspective
Make some ooh’s and ahh’s 1.5 times, and you can burn the same amount of calories as if you were briskly walking a mile away from a hookup’s house.
Feeling daring? Subscribe to Pornhub Premium and shoot 38.5 times to burn the same amount of calories as someone who just ran a marathon (around 2,700).
Sing for about 45 minutes about how much you love masturbating and you’ll burn the same amount if you do masturbate, about 70.
Cry for an hour and burn 130 calories or fill your void for two go-arounds and burn the same amount and cry no more.
So how many calories have you burned having a good time with yourself? Are you a double-decker with filling and releasing? Which of these comparisons fits you better? Are you the fast ‘bator, or are you slow and take your time?
Don’t let us know.