In every college student’s life, a time comes when tongues must be used. Some lick lollipops, some seal envelopes, and some preform oral sex on people using dental dams. Lots of people are just starting out on the journey that is oral sex. So, my friends and I have tasted different dental dam flavors just for you so you awkwardly don’t have to go and ask which flavors are the best at your local S&M shop.
We made a game out of it: guess the dental dam flavor. I had two honorary members (Maddy and Andrew) and myself tasting them. Maddy is a dental dam enthusiast, and Andrew is a lover of all flavored latex novelties.
Flavor One: Mint
Maddy: Oh, I like this one a lot.
Me: Enough to use it?
Andrew: I can’t taste it but it smells good.
Maddy: This is lime isn’t it?
Andrew: Lime.
Me, laughing, shocked, and upset: Guys, it’s mint.
Them: WHAT?
Maddy: I give it five licks out of five.
The Verdict: Just like sexuality, it can be really confusing so only bring this with you in a pinch.
Flavor Two: Vanilla
Maddy: Oh my, I love this one.
Me: Do you know what it is?
Maddy, now putting it over her face: No, but I want it on my face.
Andrew: It smells nice but I don’t taste anything.
Me: Okay, so ratings?
Andrew: One out of five.
Maddy, barely breathing: FIVE STARS!
The Verdict: Use this as a nice air freshener. Bake it into a candle, maybe hang it from the ceiling, whatever works for you.
Flavor Three: Banana
Andrew: This one has a taste but it’s barely there.
Maddy: I don’t really like this one.
Me, taking a secret lick: I lowkey like it.
Andrew: It’s yellow so I’m guessing it’s lemon?
Maddy: It’s banana.
Me: Yep, banana but it honestly doesn’t taste like it.
Andrew: I give it three licks out of five.
Maddy: Two licks out of five. Edmund what about you?
Me: I don’t lick, I suck.
Maddy: *rolls eyes and gives a pity laugh*
The Verdict: Bananas, unless peeled and used during Mario Kart, should not be the flavor of a dental dam.
Flavor Four: Strawberry
Maddy: This has a flavor, but it’s a no.
Me: Why?
Maddy: It reminds me of my childhood. I don’t need that when I have someone eating me out.
Me: Why does it remind you of your childhood?
Andrew: I smell strawberry.
Me: It’s strawberry!
Andrew: Tastes like latex.
The Verdict: Childhood is not a good thing to be thinking about during sex. These are just facts.
Flavor Five: Grape
Maddy: Oh God no. One star out of five.
Andrew: It still tastes like latex.
Me: Guys I’m not even gonna take a photo of this one. This one disappointed me.
Maddy: How can it smell and taste like latex but be called grape.
The Verdict: Grape is the worst. Don’t taste grape unless you A) hate yourself or B) want to have a bad time eating someone out.
BONUS ROUND: Strawberry Condom
Maddy: Why is this wet?
Andrew: Edmund did you give us used condoms?
Me: Oh it’s lubricated.
Andrew: It actually tastes as strawberry.
Maddy: This is my favorite tasting. The condom has the most flavor. Case closed.
Andrew: I give it a four out of five.
Strawberry condoms had the best taste, but at a cost. If you had planned to blow a guy with this you’re in for a surprise. The lubrication gives you a nice lip gloss feeling. I felt like lil’ mama after tasting this.
Results:
After tasting various forms of latex, the consensus was reached: flavored dental dams basically taste like unseasoned rubber but have an amazing smell. There is one good flavor, vanilla. But honestly flavored condoms are my new found favorite snack because they have a really good taste. Anyone wanna taste condoms with me?