If you haven’t heard about Moving Dartmouth Forward by now, you’ve been living under a rock. But for those of you who are either returning from a trip to outer space or cracking open your laptops for the first time after a long winter hibernation, here’s a rundown of the changes that are about to go down, thanks to MDF:
- Campus-wide hard alcohol ban
Okay, so admittedly there’s a lot more to it than that. But this bit in particular is (unsurprisingly) getting a lot of backlash from the student body at large.
Just in case you were tempted to fudge the rules in the spirit of “Live Free or Die” and refusing to let old traditions fail, we have more bad news: it’s about to get a lot more difficult to get your hands on a decent mixed drink in our neck of the woods.
In addition to the hard alcohol ban, President Hanlon has decided to reduce the number of popular chasers and mixers sold on campus in order to discourage students from attempting to continue consuming hard alcohol in dorms, Greek houses and other social spaces.
We’re not yet sure exactly what these additional changes are going to look like. But after conducting extensive research, we’ve compiled a list of drinks that are probably safe from MDF’s tyrannical legislation regulations, and a list of the bubbly bevs we’ll all miss during our Prohibition-themed parties.
Odwalla Fruit Smoothies: SAFE
Photo by Rebecca Schantz
If you’re willing to drop $5 on a bottle of this fruit and veggie concoction, you’re probably not going to squander it by mixing it with cheap Zhenka. We think Phil is going to let this one stick around. Also, can’t you totally see him drinking one after his daily power walk with Gail?
Diet Coke: AT RISK
Photo by Aurelie Corinthios
The universal chaser of caffeine addicts and white girls everywhere is definitely on Phil’s “naughty” list. Also, sources indicate that he’s a Pepsi kinda guy.
Simply Apple: SAFE
Photo by Rebecca Schantz
Because you can drink this with breakfast, and still enjoy the harder stuff at Zete on Wednesday nights. At least MDF didn’t take that away from us.
Sports Drinks: AT RISK
Photo by Alex Tom
Yeah, the administration knows exactly how batch is made.
Root Beer: SAFE
Photo by Rebecca Schantz
This LNC staple would be pretty nasty mixed with alcohol. Also, it’s so intensely carbonated that using it as a chaser just sounds straight up dangerous.
Sprite: AT RISK
Photo by Hannah Lin
It would be way too easy to fill half that bottle with vodka, and S&S would be none the wiser.
Milk: SAFE
Photo by Eury Fabian
This is self-explanatory.
That Insane Collis Drink Machine: AT RISK
Photo by Rebecca Schantz
Yes, it’s true—you’ll have to say goodbye to all those delicious cherry-spiked mixed drinks you carried around in nondescript paper cups at Green Key last year. And we all know you won’t drink vodka unless it’s mixed with lemonade.
But before you start up that bootleg chaser business you and your roommate are already planning, just remember one thing: April Fool’s, suckers.
Unfortunately, the hard alcohol ban is still no joke.
Thirsty? Check out these inspired drink recipes, while you still can: