Dietary trends go in and out of style faster than fashion cues and that video your aunt shared on Facebook last week. Currently, people are obsessing over “superfoods” — which are just nutrient-dense foods. Nothing super duper about them, they simply aren’t processed in a factory a thousand times over. It is definitely a good fad to participate in, but each superfood has a stereotypical type of person associated with it. Here are a few of my favorites.
Açaí Berries
Photo courtesy of centralfloridatropicals.com
I’m sorry, dude. You’re struggling a little on your health journey, aren’t you? Don’t get me wrong, açaí berries are great; they’re very healthy and admirable. But I know you. I know you’re eating those Dark Chocolate Brookside Berries — which is like claiming Raisinets are good for you. And you just keep eating them and eating them. It’s tough being healthy, isn’t it?
“But dark chocolate is good for heart health, so it still counts!”
Sure. In moderation, maybe. But when you down the whole bag of berries? Not so much. Perhaps you’re eating an açaí bowl, and not just the açaí berries, in which case: ugh. Still only half healthy… those things are loaded with sugar, my friend.
In conclusion, what the açaí berries say about you: You’re trying, man. You gave it the old college try, and that’s all we ask.
Avocado
Photo by Samantha Thayer
Ahhh, the classic avocado. With it’s beautiful green color and perfectly symmetrical halves, how appropriate for you — the self-proclaimed food blogger. The avocado’s beautiful composure is perfect for your Instafeed or Snapchat story. You are the health nut that unhealthy people despise, because you shove it in all of our faces.
But no worries, I’m not here to judge. In fact, take a look at my most faved tweet of all time:
Photo courtesy of Twitter
Yeah, “27 likes is the most you’ve ever gotten?” Whatever. I never claimed to be good at the social media fame.
So if your favorite is the avocado, I can only conclude that you did it for the Vine.
Kale
Photo by Emily Moschowits
So kale tastes pretty weird, right? Like the texture and flavor are just so… kale-y.
What I’m trying to say here is if you’re eating kale, then wow — more power to you. You are committed to the mommy blogs and you are serving it up in any way you can think of… probably because you’re secretly hoping (like the rest of us) that you can find a way to make it taste somewhat normal.
You’re in the kitchen whipping up recipes in your free time. You probably go to the gym at 6:30am and come back home to a freshly-squeezed green kale juice. You’re definitely a mom. Or at least the mom of your friend group. No worries, though… You’re eating kale, so you’re totally a MILF.
Zoodles
Photo courtesy of @thetoastedpinenut on Instagram
Similar to the kale, this shows some dedication to the health game. I mean, seriously, because I’ve tried to make these before and it was no simple task. The shopping for ingredients and tools, the meal prep, and the actual process of making the zoodles is ridiculous. I can’t even pop popcorn without burning it. So to those of you out there that make zoodles: keep doodling, my friends. You’re killing the game.
Green Tea
Photo by Ana Cvetkovic
Yikes. You’re a basic bish. I’m so sorry.
If you’re getting some authentic green tea somewhere (or making it yourself and drinking it every day but simply keeping that knowledge to yourself), fine. I’ll let you off the hook for this stereotype.
But if your green tea has a giant green mermaid logo planted across the front and you carry it to all of your classes (even after it’s 7/8 empty)… then yeah. You’re basic.