Whether it’s your sisters friend from home or that tall lanky boy from Chem class, the following awkward foods will leave you always feeling more uncomfy than you want to.
1. Chocolate Covered Strawberries
This should be the most sensual experience you share with someone while eating food, yet I avoid those babies like the plague. My roommate got them for Valentine’s Day and I pretended I was just bitter that she had someone to send them to her. But the reality is—I just wasn’t sure if I could handle eating one in front of her.
They are always kind of wet, like why is that thing? How am I supposed to hold a massive wet strawberry and still look cute? I struggle looking cute in general so this is even more difficult for me. The chocolate. The chocolate breaks every-time. All of it…just comes off and you do that little hand thing to catch it. Finally, even though the chocolate fell off seven minutes ago and I’m eating just the strawberry, I have chocolate smeared on the corner of my mouth? Again, enhancing my unattractiveness.
2. Bananas
No. A big, fat no. I feel blessed that my tastebuds determined it was gross for me to eat bananas from an early age. So I get to watch people eat them all the time and I’ve never said to someone, “Wow, you managed to eat that banana exceptionally well.”
Let’s just forget they are the fruit version of penis for a second and realize the speed at which people eat this freaky, yellow snack. It’s either painfully slow, (like so slow that I’ve actually graduated college and found someone to agree to marry me), or it’s just so quick to the point where they can’t contribute to the conversation anymore because there’s an entire banana in their mouth. It also makes me uncomfortable that they are curved. Please just blend that banana into your juice diet and save humanity.
3. Spaghetti and Meatballs
A true Italian classic. I feel like the few times I’ve been invited to dinner at someone’s home, it’s spaghetti. Immediately you have to analyze: “Am I okay with starving myself to sleep tonight?” “Am I wearing white?” “If my spaghetti slips from my fork and splashes them, are they wearing white?”
Not eating all of the spaghetti leaves that disgusting pile with just a little bit of dried sauce left and your dinner partner has to ask if you’re done and no one wants that. The truth is, you have to dive in and when you do dive in, hunch your back to get closer to the plate. Cut your meatballs. Do not stab momma’s extra special ball of meat and go full barbarian. How many times have I splashed someone else or myself in the eye with tomato sauce? Too many. How many times has everyone pretended it didn’t happen to spare my feelings? Again, too many.
4. RIBS
This is unattractive for anyone. I don’t care if Adam Lavigne is eating a half-rack of ribs, I’m going to gag and he will no longer be sexiest man alive.
Just imagine, you’re out to dinner with all the baes and the waiter is taking orders. And then “Steve” decides to order ribs. C’mon, Steve this is not the time nor place for you to show your primal instincts. Steve’s ribs are placed in front of him and his mouth starts to water and that’s when you know to not look up from your Cobb salad until you are certain that man is ready for a check. Oops, you looked. He has his index finger and thumb deep into sauce still trying to be almost polite. You finally understand why he had to ask for extra barbecue sauce because even though his original order was drenched in sauce, it ended up on the sides of his mouth instead of on his tastebuds. Lick your fingers, Steve, I dare you.
5. Popsicles
I got my tonsils out and could only eat ice for about two weeks, but Mom hooked me up with popsicles. I had a friend come over (I couldn’t speak, but it’s fine) and got myself a popsicle. Sitting on my couch I just shoved the tip of that popsicle all the way to my throat. And I repeated that motion until my mouth was numb from the cold. Is this worse than the banana? Yes.
My mouth was bright red from the coloring and that subtle ring appeared around the edges of my lips. So it starts to melt and what else would you do, but lick from bottom to top? See a drop coming? Catch that little guy at the bottom and run your tongue up just in case (I just cringed typing that). So my friend watched this entire tragedy unfold as we sat in silence, until I went for a fudge pop (which is a whole other story), and she asked for one too.
6. Burritos
I think it’s safe to say that everyone craves Mexican. And if you can fit the whole burrito in your mouth to get a full bite then you are crazy talented. I have zero talent and cannot manage to get more than some rice into my mouth before the entire burrito has unfolded onto the table. But thinking about it full bite means full mouth. Then the cheeks are plump and there’s sour cream oozing out of your mouth and then it’s too much to handle. Just get a bowl? But the tortilla. And the portability.
7. Sushi Rolls
Granted there are definitely some dishes easier to consume than others and even though you’re a regular at Mr. Sushi, you still haven’t mastered eating sushi in a cute way.
You have to use chopsticks, because otherwise no one will know how cultured you are and asking for a fork just screams “I have the skill set of a puppy.”
But say you hypothetically have managed to grasp onto the slippery seaweed circle. Is it loaded up? Yes. Can I safely place it into my mouth? No chance. Will I try it while someone is 100% waiting for me to respond to their question? Sure. One time I dropped my sushi into a full dish of soy sauce and left with black splash marks on every thread of my clothing, but it’s fine the stain didn’t come out.
8. Hot Dogs
Who started hot dog eating contests? Have you ever seen one? I have. It was awful. I wanted to throw up and refused to eat a hot dog for about three years–which is actually so dramatic thinking about it.
Let’s start with the preparation. So until I had to start going to graduation parties, I used to make my parents boil my hotdogs. And that results in a slippery, rubbery and flimsy link of meat–that I later determined in life is not my best option here. But then, there’s the much quicker microwave option where the dog comes out firm on the outside with hints of overexposure, yet chewy on the inside. Or, the classic grilled hotdog. This can go one of two ways–perfect or shriveled. Sometimes Mr. Dave up the street forgets he’s the grill man and overcooks those suckers so bad that you can’t even tell what once was.
9. Eggplant
You ask someone, “Hey what foods are brutally awkward to eat in front of anyone?” and they immediately respond with the eggplant emoji. No one actually eats eggplant regularly and sure, my mom eats some weird things, but never once have I seen her pull out a full eggplant and just go at it. Is it just funny? Because I think that joke died when the second generation iPhone came out. But without fail some kid is always trying to claim they are a huge eggplant eater.
So say you do eat an eggplant (which are most commonly consumed sliced) is there anything you find awkward about that? I ate eggplant Parmesan once in my life and I hated it, but no one was secretly whispering, “Lol, look at her eating that eggplant smothered in cheese and tomato sauce.” So, moral of the story, eggplants aren’t awkward to eat, just the people who suggest that they are.
10. Chicken Wings
Ah yes, the best for last. The chicken wing, the sister meal of the baby back ribs, and arguably more awkward than anything else on this list. These guys are not my immediate thought when it comes to awkward foods, but the section of my brain that holds embarrassing stories is suggesting to me otherwise. The chicken wing is a classic for backyard barbecues, gameday tailgates, and other important social gatherings.
Why so awkward? Well, thank you for asking. Bone-in wings have a lot of obstacles the eater must conquer in order to get to that beloved meat. You have all those funky parts that you don’t want to touch with your mouth, but end up touching because you thought it was meat. And no matter how you like your wings, the sauce or seasoning is always slathered over everything you own (similar to the rib experience, but more discrete). And boy does that sauce linger. You could be talking to the love of your life a week after eating those mild wings and still have a little bit of orange residue chillin’ on your face. They are so good though, so you can’t even ignore them.