Spring break season is upon us, which means everyone coming back to school tanned and carefree. For some of us though, tanning is not such an “easy breezy beautiful Covergirl” experience.
I rarely go a week without a mention of my incredibly pale skin. Whether it’s, “they don’t come fairer than you,” or “are you feeling ok you look ghostly,” or even Snapchat not recognizing my face.
First off, the whole experience is difficult. I’ve tried tanning oils plus sunscreen in every technique imaginable. Spray on, rub on, pat on – you name it, I’ve tried it. It all ends up as a sunburn. On top of that, swimming is a challenge. Not only am I pale af, but I can’t really swim well. Beyonce makes it look so easy.
GIF courtesy of giphy.com
Sadly enough, my swimming skills could get me into the Olympics when compared to my ability to change my skin color to anything besides my ghostly complexion. And no, I’ve never tried the tanning bed (ew) or the spray tan thing. #notinterested
GIF courtesy of giphy.com
Here’s a few foods I’ve been compared to while trying my hardest.
Marshmallow
Photo by Kelley Buck
It’s day one of tanning. I arrive to the beach or pool usually with shorts and a tank top on over my bathing suit. As I undress and reveal my natural color, people are blinded by the sun reflecting my skin. It’s worse than a winter morning after a fresh snowfall when you open the blinds and pretty much need sunglasses in your own home because it’s so bright.
Vanilla Ice Cream
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This description implies some definition and not complete transparency. And yet, still as white as they come. None of these nicknames are original or clever, but they do the job. Usually vanilla is the go-to name calling for me. I’m so pale that it makes people cold just looking at me.
Sweet Potato
Photo by Lauren D’Amore
I’ve tried tanning oils, but I still need sunscreen for obvious health reasons. I have not yet been able to master how to apply both of these things. Apply sunscreen first or tanning oil first? It always results in a streaky, uneven mess like a sweet potato.
Tomato
GIF courtesy of giphy.com
Ah yes, that red tomato glow that I get when I step in the sun for more than five minutes. This stage is inevitable no matter how many times I reapply. My favorite is when only one part of my body gets to this tomato stage. It makes for interesting conversation I wouldn’t otherwise be able to engage in.
Lobster
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Now I know what you’re thinking. How sweet that she has a lobster like Ross and Rachel! Someone must have been calling her a lobster with romantic context. Sorry to all you romantics out there, but this lobster name calling is in reference to that sunburn you get when not even aloe can help you.