Some schools do Burnett’s, Keystone, Busch’s, PBR, Crown Rousse, Crystal Palace…but Happy Valley’s drinks of choice are definitely Natural Light and Vladimir. Yum. They are a very important part of a college kid’s very nourishing diet. Brace yourselves.

Photo by Katya Simkhovich



Photo by Allie Bloom

Natural Light (per one can)

Calories:  95
Alcohol:  4.2%
Protein:  .7g
Carbs: 3.2g
Sodium:  9mg

Price: $15-20 (per case)

Otherwise known as: Natural Light, Natty Light, Natty, Unnatural Light

Did you know?

  1. Natty Light is the fifth best selling beer in the USA. It is right behind Bud Light, Budweiser, Coors Light and Miller Lite.
  2. Natty Light is not just for college kids and the homeless anymore–  during the recession, Natty’s sales skyrocketed.
  3. There was a Natural (not light) for a little bit.
  4. Natty Light was Anheuser-Busch’s first light beer. Fun fact!
  5. Natty is known to get you drunk with minimal cals and minimal cost. Cha-ching!
  6. After Natty came out, Miller Brewing Company filed a complaint with the government to try to take Natty off the shelves because it was actually “natural”. The drama…
  7. In 2008, the beer won a competition for “best taste” in the World Beer Cup. Who knew that was even a thing?
  8. Natty’s should not linger in a cup or can. They taste best right when you open them, so I suggest shotgunning.



Photo by Julie Haupin

Vladimir Vodka (per one shot)

Calories: 64
Alcohol: 40%
Protein: 0g
Carbs:  0g
Sodium: 0mg

Price: $12 for a handle

Otherwise known as: Vlad, Vladdy, King Vlad, Vladdy is my Daddy…

Did you know?

  1. Run Vlad through a Brita filter a few times. You’ll ruin the filter, but it makes the vodka “less offensive” and smoother.  It still doesn’t taste like Grey Goose, though, so don’t get too excited.
  2. Try it: Vlad, Lemonade Mix and Sprite
  3. There is a twitter account for Vlad, but it’s not even that funny. @VladProblems

Here’s what Penn State students think about their dranks (all students shall remain anonymous):

“It tastes like rubbing alcohol, but honestly, I enjoy it.”

“It hurts when it gets in your eyes, but don’t worry, I was only blinded for about 30 seconds.”

“It makes me black out every single night.  It’s not my friend, but I still drink it.”

“I like Vlad. It gets the job done.”

“I feel like it is seeping into every crevice of my brain and slowly turning it into mush, but I forget by the time I should start to care.”

“Natty Light tastes like dirty hose water, mixed with skunk juice.”


Want second helpings? Check out these articles: