Bartolo “Buddy” Valestro, AKA The Cake Boss, was recently arrested for drunk driving. The most shocking part? Buddy’s defense against the arrest?
“You can’t arrest me, I’m the Cake Boss!”
What’s shocking? The defense didn’t work.
Do these officers live under a rock? Do they not participate in the subculture of American culinary reality television? Has America’s complete social structure built on the foundation of celebrity hierarchy collapsed?!?!
This arrest has been a major blow to the public’s faith in our criminal system, as well as overall sense of security. Buddy’s bakery, Carlo’s Bake Shop, seems to be the only thing unperturbed by the incident, sustaining itself on hungry customers who have the decency to overlook this mishap in the name of baked goods. I mean love. The love of baked goods.
If only these officers had someone to remind them that the title “Cake Boss” is impervious to laws made for the common folk. Luckily, I have taken on this responsibility, creating a list of Buddy’s past creations that validate his Cake Boss title and all the privilege that accompanies the name. Feel free to take this to court, Buddy.
1. This one time when NASA asked Buddy to make them a cake, Buddy delivered. Cake Boss style.
Courtesy of Cake Boss Episode 69: “Space Shuttle, Stepping Up & Surprise!”
Sure officer, you have a shiny badge. But have you sent a cake into space recently? IDTS.
2. Buddy can transform cake into cake that transforms.
Photo Courtesy of Cake Boss Episode 72: “A Big Bumblebee & A Bossy Grace”
Which gives you more authority, a police car or a 2,000-pound-of-cake-car using pyrotechnics? Buddy: 2, Police: 0.
3. Buddy once made a life-sized replica of a cow out of cake, and you can milk this thing.
Image Credit: Discovery Communications, LLC
While an officer might be able to squeeze some vital crime information out of a suspect, Buddy is able to squeeze actual milk out of a cow made of cake. The physics? Questionable. The man behind it all? Legendary.
4. Buddy’s cakes are so good they should be in a museum. OH WAIT, THEY ARE.
Image Credit: Discovery Communications, LLC
Buddy’s dinosaur cake was displayed for a wedding at the New Jersey Natural History Museum. And it’s not just any dinosaur. It’s Dyrptosaurus, the New Jersey State Dinosaur, because Buddy gets that it’s in the details. This man obviously loves the state of New Jersey, does he really deserve to be imprisoned by it?
5. He has mastered the art of the traditional wedding cake.
Photo from http://mybestweddingcakes.blogspot.com/2011/05/cakeboss-wedding-cakes.html
Just imagine how happy he made the couple who ordered this thing. Buddy = Saint. Saints = Innocent. Buddy = Innocent.
6. Buddy appreciates American history.
Photo Credit: Peter D. Kramer/The Journal News and lohud.com
With this cake, Buddy has literally whipped up justice. And freedom. And liberty. Can any officer say they’ve done this? I think not.
7. Cake Boss cakes are on fire.
Image Credit: Discovery Communications, LLC Photo Courtesy of Cake Boss, Episode 77: “Campfire, Computers and a Concern”
Forget fender bender. This man is a cake bender and fire bender. Is it really even safe to lock all that up in jail?
8. Also, this thing.
Picture from http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/cake-boss/videos/chandeliers-christenings.htm
We’re going to have to add sugar bender to that list. Again, could jail even suppress such unbridled power?
9. Let us all not forget about the time Buddy personally baked a cookie for the greatest baked goods critic of our time.
Photo from http://inothernews.tumblr.com/post/329769031/next-weeks-cake-boss-has-an-awesome-special
If cookie monster approves, shouldn’t we all?
So NJPD, it’s up to you if you wanna let this one slide. But as long as Buddy is keeping his mistakes outside the kitchen, I don’t really see a problem here.