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10 Horrible Things That Could Happen If KAF Closes
#10: Dartmouth Insecure
The Earth is already due for a magnetic field reversal. The major directional shift of human traffic that would occur from KAF to other locations on campus could speed this process, leading to enormous repercussions for all of our technology, especially wireless connection to the Dartmouth Secure Wi-Fi network.
#9: Global Warming (Duh)
Students will start driving to King Arthur Flour’s flagship location in Norwich, VT in search of food and coffee, adding tons of CO2 to the atmosphere and contributing to global warming and air pollution.
Photo courtesy of King Arthur Flour
#8: Crowded Dining Halls
Collis will become even more crowded than usual (you might not think that it’s possible, but we assure you, it is). You’ll have to wait days for a stir-fry and order smoothies weeks in advance.
#7: Dangerous Caffeine Substitutes
Dartmouth’s campus will experience increased demand for energy drinks such as Red Bull and Monster, which carry the risk of caffeine overdose for inexperienced drinkers.
#6: Makin’ It Rain… Coins
6. A lack of tea options will entice students to head to Sanborn for tea and cookies each afternoon. But as Sanborn does not accept DA$H, students will have to start carrying change. Our campus will inevitably become littered with stray coins and the annoying sound of the incessantly jingling coins in everyone’s pockets will drown out even the clock tower’s hourly chimes. We will never know what time it is.
#5: Nobody Rages Anymore
Students who stubbornly (and loyally!) choose not to replace KAF in their lives and hearts will inevitably suffer from caffeine withdrawal and, eventually, malnutrition. The campus will also be littered with sleeping students, no longer able to manipulate their sleep cycles with the aid of caffeine. The frat scene will eventually devolve into open slumber parties, and you will have to buy a sleeping bag if you want to snag a spot “on table.”
#4: Plummeting School Ranking
There won’t be any reason to go to the library anymore, so people will stop studying altogether. Cumulative GPAs will plummet and Dartmouth’s academic ranking will drop drastically. The Huffington Post will write several scathing articles about our school’s decline.
#3: Mediocre KAF Impostor
A new café will open that is supposed to be exactly life KAF, but the brie and apple sandwiches are soggy and you’re not even sure that cheese is brie, to be perfectly honest.
Photo by Josh Renaud
#2: Vending Machine No Longer Last Resort
Actually, the new café won’t be anything like KAF. It’s just a vending machine.
#1: Vending Machine No Longer Any Resort
One by one, every vending machine on campus will eventually erupt in flames from overuse. That’ll suck.
If you don’t want any of the above 10 things to happen, sign this petition to save our beloved KAF!