I’m the sort of person whose friends either tell me “I don’t see you ever getting married” or they’re “surprised [I’m] single.” There’s never an in-between. And that’s kind of on me. I was a serial dater in college. For the longest time I felt like I needed to be in a relationship. And now? All I want is to be single.
Maybe it’s because I finally moved to a big city after years at a college in what felt like the middle of nowhere (I still love Virginia Tech though). I like the opportunities a place like New York offers me. But, when I say I want to be single for a while–or that I’m happy I’m single, I get looks of surprise.
Whenever a girl says she wants to be single, she tends to get the judgment that there must be something wrong with her. I know I have.
There’s also the all too familiar comment that I’m just lying to myself and I really do want a relationship but can’t find the right guy. Neither of these is the case. And I’m really sick of having to explain myself and watch others have to answer the question of why they’re still single.
It’s my natural state of being
My response to the first person who told me they loved me was “I think we should see other people.” Brutal. I feel so bad for that guy. And I don’t even remember his name. Sorry. #notsorry
I have an avoidant attachment type. It’s hard for me to be emotionally available to a significant other. In fact, I have to convince myself to feel something most of the time. There have been a lot of jokes that I have the personality of a cat because of my penchant for being alone despite being super social.
However, when I graduated I was scared for a bit about the prospect of graduating single. College is the place where you’re most likely to meet your spouse.
But, upon moving, I realized I would rather be alone (which is healthy, according to science)–even though I did fall hard for someone shortly before graduation. *Spoiler: it didn’t work out.*
I’d rather run around the world by myself than with someone else (unless you want to come and take my Insta pics for me). I don’t believe in following the guidebook.
I’d rather throw myself in, get lost, eat the food, use the wrong verbs, and end up kissing a complete stranger–who I preferably won’t see the next day. And I don’t feel like I should have to apologize for who I am. Or what I want to do.
We all have our good relationships and our bad relationships. But either way, they’re a commitment that I don’t feel like I need. If it comes down to having to be committed to someone or being able to make my own choices without having to explain them to someone, I’ll take the latter. Every time.
I have control and I want to grow
A lot of people don’t have independence prior to college, and even then most people are still influenced by their parents. I’ve been there.
I’ve had friends who have been worried their parents would pull them out of college if they found out they were majoring in something non-STEM. The amount of control you’re still under in college is pretty real, even if you don’t want to admit it.
Moving to a city by myself, with no one telling me what to do was invigorating. For the first time I didn’t have to answer to anyone about my personal life or have them checking in on why I spent money on some random item.
With my new freedom, I’ve found I even prefer to eat alone a good amount of the time. Solely because I can eat whatever I want without having to cater to other people. There is no one judging me. Why would I want to give that up?
I’m not at a point in life where I want to give up the control. It’s the time in my life where I get to form my opinions without having someone else guide them. Where I get to question everything I am and who I want to be. And I’m not ready to have to take into account another person’s feelings when I’m figuring out who I really am.
But, even if I don’t know who I really am, I still have a pretty good idea of who I’m becoming. I still have to grow, just like anyone else. So, I don’t want to compromise my own internal happiness by trying to please another person.
Most importantly: It’s. My. Choice.
I was once told the key to a good relationship was finding someone you could tolerate, even on the worst day. That was how you would find a partner that you would be happy with. My own dad told me that my inclination to be single wouldn’t last, as humans naturally desire companionship.
But, I don’t want to find that person. And I’m not going to. Because that’s my choice. Not anyone else’s. I don’t want or need that companionship my dad talks about. I want to be single. I need to be single.
Now please. Stop asking why I’m single. You don’t have the right to. You don’t deserve me having to explain myself to you. But I have, for all of the people like me. Don’t ask me why I’m single or I might start asking you why you feel like you have to be in a relationship.