Valentine’s Day can go two ways. You can either spend 40 dollars on a new bralette just for the slight satisfaction from a guy that only hits you up when his frat is having afters. Which eventually will only leave you to be drunk and alone on Comstock in 20 degree weather. Or, you can simply eat your way through Valentine’s Day while watching the new 50 Shades and getting drunk off of rosé.
Either way, you’re drunk and alone. Let me just make one thing clear. Valentine’s Day is not a holiday. Unless businesses and banks are closed and your Human Sexuality class at 6:45pm is cancelled, Valentine’s Day has zero reason to control our day, whatsoever.
So what do we do?
We treat ourselves, bless our souls, and thank freaking cupid for not letting us be ruled by relationships, hookup scams, and f*ckboys who could not care less about Valentine’s Day. And then?
We go to Strong Hearts.
Like yes, we can absolutely treat ourselves to Good Uncle’s Meatball Parm to only then top it off with a heart-shaped cookie cake that reads “Fuck Valentine’s Day” from Insomnia. But after we all quit our diet once rush season hit us (c’mon, you know you quit), can our bodies actually afford it?
Strong Hearts is the designated place to indulge and feel good about it. So few calories (sorta), yet so many selections. Based on our current relationship status, which shake do our vegan asses deserve?
Before you stick with something basic, try something new. You picking something adventurous will be one step closer to you replacing the feeling of trying something adventurous with your boyfriend in the bedroom V-Day night. K?
1. The “Steve Biko” — The One Who Was Turkey Dropped
Did you witness a full dumpage before Thanksgiving Day? Were you holding back tears over your Thanksgiving dinner while your drunk uncle was asking you about your love life? F*ck the guy who dumped you so he could hit up his high school sweetheart of an ex when he was on Thanksgiving break. Treat yourself to a Pumpkin shake blended with a hint of Oreo. The hint of Oreo will mend your broken turkey-shaped heart, I promise you.
2. The “West Memphis Three” — The One Who Was Ditched at Date Night and Is Still Bitter About It
One second you were peaking on André with the guy from your math class, the next he was leaving you stranded on DJ’s dance floor while Cardi B was ranting about how no one can fuck with her over the speaker. Your sorority friends witnessed how your night slowly, but surely, went downhill from there. 5 Red Bull vodkas and a rum bucket thrown up on the Marshall St. curb was how you spent your last hours, until you finally collapsed on your friends’ dorm floor butt-naked. For every time you happen to catch a glimpse of the guy who chose to leave you stranded, take a sip of the Chocolate/Mint Shake combo. The chocolate will soothe your horrid memories, while the mint will give you enough of a kick to want to get back at him by getting with his fraternity brother.
3. The “John Lennon” — The One Who’s in a Vanilla Relationship
Okurrr, we get it. You have a boy. We don’t. However, while you’re stuck at a cliché dinner date with the same guy you’ve been dating for 3 years, we’re living our best selves by partying, drinking and replacing sex with food. If you want a treat, stick with the Vanilla shake. You don’t need anything heavy to mend your soft AF heart.
4. The “Bobby Sands” — The One Who’s Been Ghosted Every Weekend
He hit you up once. It’s been a month later and he’s still on your mind once you’re out and about at a frat. If there’s something you should learn this Valentine’s Day, it’s that your drunk snapchats sent to him will not get him to return to you. He’s ghosting you for a reason. Replace your ghosted, bittersweet heart for the Mint Chocolate Chip shake.
5. The “Ken Saro-Wiwa” — The One Who’s Single Yet Confident
On a night out when your friends finally ditch you for boys, you’re more than glad to head home, get in your sweat, and hit the lights. Boys are not your necessity. This Valentine’s Day, you’re worrying about your spring break plans rather than your minuscule chances of getting laid. Your confident self deserves you an irresistible mix of Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Banana. Self-indulge and love yourself.
6. The “Earth Crisis” — The One Who Was 2 Seconds Away From A Relationship
So close, but yet so far. As fast as it takes to change your relationship status on Facebook, he was changing his mind by grinding on your sorority sister. So much for exclusive. Crisis averted with the “Earth Crisis,” filled with Chocolate and Peanut Butter.
7. The “Nat Turner”–The One Who’s Taking It Steady
As much as you hate to admit it, you and your boy are taking it slowly, but surely. He’s your date for date nights and formals. If you’re lonely in bed, he’s there to come over. The only difference between a relationship and what you have now is that he has zero obligation to respond, have sex with only you, and bend over backwards for your wants and needs. The “Nat Turner” is for the girls that need a cure for the anxiety that their “steady” boy might potentially leave them at any minute. Chocolate and Banana is the perfect combo for a girl who gets enough action, but not the satisfaction of an actual relationship.
8. The “Nelson Mandela” — The One-Night Stand Princess
Time and time again, you either hate the guy you end up sleeping with or you’re f*cked over by a guy who promised to text you over the weekend. You want a continuous hookup, but you have the worst luck with finding boys to keep. With so many one-night stands, you only need one ingredient in your shake: Chocolate. Try the Nelson Mandela. Indulging in this shake will get you one step closer to not reaching out to your past hookups this Valentine’s Day night.
9. The “Ernie Davis” — The One Who’s a F*ckboy in Girl Form
Use a guy for the night, sneak out of his room at 5am to avoid getting any public eye of you attempting the walk of shame at 10am. If he texts you, you hit him with the Read Receipt. If he snaps you during class, you won’t respond until you’re out and about and drunk AF. At the end of the night, you’d much rather kick the guy out so you can have the bed to yourself. You’re someone that a guy can’t emotionally grab onto. Congrats, you’ve mastered the skill of getting what you want, when you want, with no repercussions. You need an “Ernie Davis” shake, which is Butterfingers flavored. You deserve a treat, but not a treat that needs to mend a broken heart (since you clearly don’t have one). The “Ernie Davis” is tasty, but not delicious. That’s what you deserve, you shady savage.
10. The “Fred Hampton” — The One Who’s Been Long Distanced
You’ve got him emotionally, but not physically. He’s a plane ride away and most definitely not here when you most need him. This Valentine’s Day, you’ll be thinking of him after every glass of wine. The “Fred Hampton” is a Chocolate/Oreo combo for the girls that want what they can’t have. Let’s cross our fingers that he’s thinking about you too.