Lifestyle

What Happened When I Tried to Find My Soulmate on Sizzl, Oscar Mayer’s New Bacon Dating App

By Analiese Trimber at Spoon University

From the genius marketing team that brought us the bacon-scented alarm clock comes “Sizzl,” a Tinder-like app just for bacon lovers so you can finally find your real Prince Charming. After watching their genius promo vid, I promptly downloaded the app and created my profile, intent on finding my one true love.

Being The Bacon Princess, I already had plenty of photos with me and bacon, so setting up a profile wasn’t a problem (see above).

Next, they ask you a few deep questions like, “What kind of bacon do you like? Pork, turkey or both?” Umm, sorry, but turkey bacon is sacrilege.

And next, “Do you like your bacon crispy, chewy or burnt?” Yeah, I don’t think I could ever trust someone who liked their bacon burnt.

The whole process is very introspective, really.

But enough with the questions! It’s time to go. First I met Bryan. What a sweetheart, whose emoji game is on point.

Omg surprise! We both think each other is “sizzl’n.” This could be good…

But act fast, because your bacon love only has a shelf life of one week. Oscar Mayer, don’t rush my love!

Next was a 32-year-old from Clearwater, Florida who is really bad at jokes. Barf, things were going so well.

Then came the predator. No Stephen, I am not “tryna pork.”

Then came a really, really bad pun. Sorry Zach, I’m lactose-intolerant.

But alas! One’s love of swine knows no borders! Not even an ocean can keep me and this guy apart.

Finally, another match. But seriously, Kevin, we are actually soulmates. You are really having me believe in love at first bite. How uncanny is it that we like our bacon smoked for, like, 12 hours?!

Sizzl is tryna give me fomo. Nice try.

Last but not least came the incorrect grammar. I mean the name of the app is missing a vowel so why not…

Oscar Mayer Marketing Director, Eric Dahmer, says, “In love, as it is in bacon, it’s important to be discerning when selecting your perfect match and to never settle for less than the best.”

Do you think he’s right? I guess we’ll have to wait and see if this app yields any bacon babies until we know for sure.

But first, every eligible bachelor needs to join Sizzl so this doesn’t happen. I’m trying to find my husband over here!

• Caramelized Nectarines with Bacon
• (NSFW) These Bacon Cinnamon Rolls are Decadent as F*ck
• These Bacon Mashed Potato Cheese Bombs Will Change Your Life