Lifestyle
The Ultimate Guide to (Fake) Diets That Actually Keep You Satisfied
Bikini season is beginning—if you’re anywhere South, that is (you northerners can keep getting drunk on snow). To help you prepare, the internet is all abuzz with dieting advice. But before you try some of those, like the South Beach or Paleo diets, you may want to consider one of these five: the latest, trendiest, most cutting-edge diets that guarantee happiness, a full stomach and absolutely no weight-loss. Go forth and diet.
1. The Vowel Diet
Photo by Megan Prendergast
The Rules
Eat whatever you want, as long as it starts with a vowel. Eggs, Oreos and asparagus are all viable options, as are ice cream and upside-down cake (or this upside-down grilled cheese). Unpasteurized milk and uncooked meat could work too, if you’re determined.
What You’re Eating
Breakfast
- Eggs any way
- Avocado toast
- Apple (add some almond butter if you’re feeling fancy)
- Orange juice
Lunch & Dinner
Photo by Bernard Wen
- Insalata Caprese (totally different from Caprese salad. Because it’s in Italian.)
- Enchiladas
Dessert & Snacks
- Ice cream (extra points if it’s almond or, my personal favorite, Americone Dream)
- Almonds
- Edamame
2. The Instagram Diet
Photo by Becky Hughes
The Rules
Pick your favorite foodstagram account, whether it be of the health-nut, dessert or general food porn variety, and attempt to copy and consume the enviable edibles. Extra points if you document the experience on Instagram.
What You’re Eating
Breakfast
- A perfectly symmetrical meal of freekeh and fried egg sprinkled with pimento cheese. Fig pudding espresso on the side.
Lunch
- Take your pick from these 11 mouthwatering Instagram sandwiches.
Dinner
- If breakfast or lunch was a struggle, these Instagram how-to videos will make dinner a breeze. Kind of.
Dessert
- I’ll throw you a bone. A delicious, frozen, Ben & Jerry’s-flavored bone.
3. The Junk Food Diet
Photo by Bernard Wen
The Rules
Low nutritional foods constitute this counter-diet. Most of your calories will come from packaged foods, but fast food is more than acceptable here, too.
What You’re Eating
Breakfast
- Poptarts (don’t argue, you know the blueberry flavor doesn’t really count as fruit)
Lunch & Dinner
- Anything from McDonald’s (yes, the salads too)
- Pizza (whether it’s Domino’s or Pizza Hut, this is the classic junk food)
Photo by Libby Perold
Dessert & Snacks
- These 15 should work
- Potato chips (another classic)
4. The T.V. Dinner Diet
Photo by Jocelyn Hsu
The Rules
Frozen food only. Don’t fret, the variety of prepackaged food is pretty astounding, and there are some pretty healthy options nowadays.
What You’re Eating
Breakfast
- Kellogg’s Toaster Waffles with frozen berries
Photo by Dina Zaret
Lunch & Dinner
- Healthy Choice Grilled Basil Chicken
- DiGiorno Rising Crush Frozen Pizza (ranked #1 by Thrillist)
Dessert & Snacks
- Go-Gurt (because who ever eats it at fridge-temperature?)
- Pepperidge Farm 3-Layer Cake
5. The Circular Foods Diet
Photo by Phoebe Melnick
The Rules
If it’s round, it’s fair game.
What You’re Eating
Breakfast
- Bagel sandwich or donuts (Both are inception-level circular—they’ve got circles within circles)
- Oranges (or pretty much any fruit)
Lunch & Dinner
- Maple glazed stuffed squash
- Hamburgers
- Sushi (better yet, make that a burrito)
Photo by Santina Renzi
Dessert & Snacks
- King cake
- Mozzarella
- Cucumbers
Photo by Kelda Baljon
Which diet will you choose?
Curious about some real diets? Check out these: