When I developed my eating disorder during my freshman year of high school, I thought there was no way out. I thought I was going to die an anorexic, and I thought I would forever dread the little things that made life so fulfilling. I thought I resent my parents forever for pulling me out of school to send me to a treatment center. I thought no one would ever love me once I gained weight. Flash forward five years, and as a current sophomore in college, I am proud to say none of that is true. While I still have my demons, I am not the person I was five years ago. Eating disorder recovery is possible, no matter how dark of a hole you're in.
Five Years Ago
I learned about the dangers of calorie counting. I began obsessing over foods like rice cakes, zero calorie syrup, low carb breads, and fat free ice cream. I discovered fitness apps that track everything I consumed. I began fearing frozen yogurt and burritos - two of my favorite foods. I stopped going out to dinner with my parents, and made excuses on why I wasn’t eating when it came to my friends. I become a numbers conosur, with all my focus going to what I was eating. As a sixteen year old, I was throwing fits over being force fed pizza and crying to my therapist that I was going to blow up into a balloon. Through out my eating disorder recovery, I discovered a new love for healthy, nourishing food, and re discovered a love for childhood classics like pizza and ice cream.
Five Years Ago
I began working out. It started with 30 minutes of cardio, then it turned into 30 minutes of cardio + 30 minutes lifting. Then it became an hour of cardio with an hour of lifting. Before I knew it, I was waking up at 4 am on a school day to torture myself on the treadmill. I became obsessive about how many calories I burned, or how many steps I took. I argued with my parents when they would tell me to get out of the fitness center after two hours, and I screamed at my therapist when she put me on exercise restriction.
Five Years Later
I’m a sophomore in college, have gained ~40 pounds, and finally feel free. I no longer spend hours in the gym, and I look forward to working out. I eat breakfast, lunch, dinner, and always include snacks. I love my salads and vegetables, but also love getting pizza on the hill and enjoying some Ben and Jerry’s for dessert. I’m no longer an extra small in shirts - in fact, I’m a medium in most things now. I’ve developed abs, and not from starvation. I’ve discovered the joy of social eating, and have (mostly) silenced my demons.
Five Years Later
I’ve found happiness. I’ve found out what “balance” truly means, and I’ve made the conscious decision to ditch any sort of scale or number. I remind myself everyday that I am more than a number, and more than a clothing size.
If there’s two thing I’ve learned from my struggles with restriction and perfection, it’s that time is the best healer, and to be your own best friend. Time cures all, and it will take more time than you think to fully recover. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not there in one year, or even two - it took me five years and I’m not even 100%. Be your own best friend, and don’t give up. You have so much life to live, and so much to give to the universe.
Thank you, Anorexia
for showing me what I was missing out on. Thank you for making me a stronger human, and showing me that I can survive anything. Thank you for teaching me about what it means to be healthy, and for showing me the ups and downs of life. Thank you, eating disorder recovery, for giving me my life back.