If you look up Sugar-Free Gummi Bears on Amazon, you’ll find a long list of the sweet and colorful candies. Each brand of the little bears advertises a rich and flavorful taste despite their sugarless nature. If you continue to scroll, however, you’ll find the granddaddy of all sugarless bears: the Albanese Sugar-Free Gummi Bears. These bad boys are sold in a 5-pound bag, boasting a sugar-free, gluten free, dairy free and fat-free treat. Perfect for everyone!

Some might beg to differ.

As you scroll down the Amazon page for these unassuming candies, you’ll notice more than a few reviews. For a bag of timeless and simple sweets, over a thousand reviews seems a bit unusual. Until you actually read.

“Should I try them?” one shopper asked. Another replied, “It depends. Do you like painful and explosive diarrhea? If yes, this is the snack for you."

Another reviewer went on to try to convert skeptics by describing a rather scarring episode of a colostomy bag gone wrong, describing the aftermath as worse than “3 tours in ‘Nam”, all due to some rainbow bears. 

A third gummi-lover recounted a rather unfortunate first date, claiming that his date mistook the sounds in his stomach for a coffee grinder. He went on to describe the bears as “used in maximum security prisons to punish uncooperative inmates.”

“It is now August and I am genuinely surprised to be alive,” one reviewer wrote.

Another warned of the candies, “Bike riding is out for a while, and I always wanted to replace the living room carpet with hardwood. The new wallpaper is a welcome change. We have been told not to call a couple of disaster recovery companies back. As long as we can avoid zombie movies, my 6-year-old's therapist is boldly predicting a partial recovery. I included a picture of a minimum requirement should you be a doubter like I was. I also recommend a Febreeze scent that you already hate. It will be forever tainted. I find myself unable to make it down the candy aisle, and I shudder at the thought of Halloween. Best of luck dear reader, as you have been warned.”

Amazon’s description of the Albanese Sugar-Free Gummi Bears describes them as the 'world’s best', but the world, well, I think they might describe them as something a bit different.

Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself!