Wake up, honey – it’s another day and another chance to inhale coffee like it’s oxygen. If your morning sounds anything like this, you might consider getting help for caffeine dependence…or just accept it and hit up Starbucks.
1. Awaken
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Your alarm has gone off six times now and it’s a good thing you invested in a strong case for your phone because you’ve slammed it on the nightstand six times as well. Before your eyes open and you even see sunlight peeking through your blackout blinds, the first thought of the day enters your mind: coffee.
2. The struggle
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You wake up and get out of bed purely because another morning means another day filled with coffee. Your bones creak as you shuffle towards the bathroom, and your eyes refuse to open without the kick of caffeine.
3. Panic sets in
Photo by Mikinna Kerns
It’s been thirteen minute since you’ve woken up and you’re wondering how you still haven’t had coffee. You grumble words that are not in fact real words as you pull on leggings backwards, cursing the fact you have legs to clothe.
4. More panic
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Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee?!?!
5. The “time crunch” terror sets in
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You’re running way too late to brew coffee. Shit. Time to hustle and catch the next train so that coffee can be secured ASAP.
6. The “I’m not hungover (maybe) I am just severely decaffeinated” shade begins
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No sunglasses are big enough to cover your eyes from the startling, annoyingly awake state of the world and hide your side-eye shade from everyone who isn’t miserable and de-caffeinated. How are they functioning? They’ve probably had a lot of coffee already. You should get some too.
7. Trance-like pondering of different coffee options fills your mind
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The entire train ride to work/class/life is spent debating where to get coffee today, and even more frustrating, what KIND of caffeine to ingest. Coffee? Iced coffee? Latte? MACCHIATO?
8. A headache from lack of caffeine and excessive important decisions comes on
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Flavors. Now you have to decide a flavor and if you want an extra shot. Yes, you do, you always want the extra shot of espresso. Why is everyone smiling SO MUCH? IT IS VERY EARLY IN THE DAY.
9. Corpse level
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You almost forget to get off at your train stop because you were blankly staring at a woman who is now concerned you’re going to mug her or start crying, and then run down the platform stairs into the nearest Starbucks.
10. Please help me coffee god AKA barista
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The barista says “Good Morning” and you respond with “I’m doing well thank you, can I have a venti iced coffee with vanilla, two espresso shots, and half & half” and have your Starbucks app up and against the scanner already.
11. Pure primal mode has kicked in
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You eye the barista behind the magical coffee-making machine, pressing buttons that make the sweet, sweet juice of life appear. Before they can get your name out, you stick a straw in and take the longest drink a breath can support. Suddenly, trees come into focus and birds chirp and your brain is a functioning brain.
12. A new, functioning person is born
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You walk out into the world with caffeine in your veins, laser-point pupils, and a sudden need to cure cancer and do right in the world. It’s go time, and it’s all thanks to Alex in the green apron and the vat of coffee you’re already halfway done with.
13. Panic once again sets in
Photo by Mikinna Kerns
So what time is the next coffee run? Maybe Dunkin’ Donuts this time.