You’re not alone. I’m here, telling you, that I play those games too. You know, those games…those games where you imagine what ice cream flavor, vegetable, fruit, pasta, or soup you’d be. This time I decided to get creative and take the game in a celebrity direction. And my category of choice? Something essential, a group of items that none of us can ever live with out: condiments.
Miley Cyrus: Sriracha
Miley might have been more mild at one time, a Sweet Baby Ray’s kind of gal, but we get it, she’s not Hannah Montana anymore. She’s spicy, has absolutely no boundaries, and like sriracha makes absolutely every situation more exciting. Also, if Sriracha was a human it would most definitely move by twerking.
Will Farrell: Seven Layer Dip
Sometimes sweet, sometimes spicy, but never boring, these two rulers of the dip and entertainment world are always mixing it up. Both have a little something for everyone. Guac or Ron Burgundy not your style? No worries, there’s still sour cream, salsa, Talladega Nights and Old School.
Amanda Bynes: Purple Squeeze Ketchup
Every single time you watch those commercials for the squeezable purple ketchup you find yourself asking, “why?” It’s strangely similar to how you react to every word Amanda Bynes tweets. Original ketchup was great and fantastic and then it had to go all crazy and change its color and try and mimic gogurt, much like the Amanda we knew and loved is trying to imitate stripper Blac Chyna. Both of you, go back to normal, Amanda, please.
Charlie Sheen: Horseradish
Both are bitter, hard to swallow, and no one really cares if they exist.
Leonardo DeCaprio: Truffle Oil
Truffle oil and Leo are both as classy as they come. Throw either on a salad or a movie, and they’re fancy and big hits.
Jonah Hill: Hummus
Nobody dislikes hummus, and nobody dislikes Jonah. Hummus and Jonah are simply put, both chill. They’re easy-going and don’t put up a fuss whether you dip crackers or carrots or chips. One thing I’d like to note: I like my hummus fat and creamy, which is how I liked Jonah best too.
Cameron Diaz: Olive Oil
If one could describe a condiment as sultry, that condiment would be olive oil. Olive oil is slinky and sexy and finds its way into everything and anything, instantly adding whatever is missing. In classic Cameron style, she does all of these things too. Just a drizzle of her talent and perfection can be achieved.
Brad Pitt: Mayo
Being named the “mayo” of the bunch couldn’t be more of a compliment. It means you’re essential and direly important to every sandwich. You’re a game changer and are the necessary element to complete something on the edge. Brad Pitt, you are my mayo.
Beyonce: Ketchup
The absolute queen of all condiments shares resemblance with the queen of the world. Beyonce and ketchup are both sweet in nature but bold in action. Think about eating a cheeseburger without ketchup: dry, weak and disappointing. Now think about the world or any song without Beyonce. The same results apply.
Justin Bieber: Tabasco Sauce
Tabasco sauce was once the shit. Everyone wanted it, all the time. But now Tabasco has fallen from his mighty chair and has become kind of a loser among other hot sauces. J-Biebs, like Tabasco, is fighting for his place in the grown up world and seems to be having a little trouble.
Lady Gaga: Unspecified type of salsa
Maybe it’s peach, maybe it’s mango, maybe it’s tomato, or maybe it’s all three —or maybe it’s none. Salsa is spontaneous —it has no restrictions or requirements and most definitely doesn’t need a traditional recipe to be great. It’s unique and weird and kind of screams, leave me alone I was born this way. Lady Gaga’s like that too. Let’s just pray our salsa doesn’t ever emerge from an egg or decide to cover itself in raw meat.
Snookie: Relish
Beyond the pickle connection that relish and Snookie share, they just seem to be synonymous in my mind. Snookie sports a fake tan color. Relish sports a fake green color. Snookie is sweet but is so overwhelming and most of the times unwanted. Ditto for relish.