For those of you who thought the end of Spring Break meant the end of your PV diets, think again. The Xtreme Trips: Puerto Vallarta all-inclusive week-long vacation (yeah, the one everyone went on together) was nothing but destruction for our bodies. A full week of partying in the hot sun with unlimited alcohol and not enough water would be a lot in and of itself, but coupled with the extremely gross food, I came back wanting a total detox.

It’s no secret that all-inclusive resorts aren’t exactly known for having great food. Given how relatively cheap the trip was, my expectations were low. I was expecting mediocrity and planned to live on things like quesadillas and chicken fingers.

Upon arrival, I saw that the food situation was not a menu, but a buffet of predetermined options that looked – sorry to be frank – disgusting. I managed to stifle a verbal groan but my stomach couldn’t help itself. “Why can’t they just make quesadillas?” I wondered with hungry desperation.

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This was a jalapeño, but I made that face after just about everything I ate that week. Photo by Lex Witkin

Breakfast was definitely the best meal of the day. They had an omelet guy and the buffet options included French toast, pancakes and some fruit. Though the omelets took forever, it was well worth it to get some protein. Eating a huge breakfast was the move to make.

While there was a lunch buffet, everyone headed over to the other hotel by the beach during lunch, where they had more “Americanized” options. Burgers, hot dogs, French fries, pizza (if you can even call it that) and “nachos” (tortilla chips) were the choices.

None of it was good.

My friends and I subsisted on only French fries, which were tasteless and soggy. Tears nearly emerged when we realized that ketchup is totally different in Mexico. Aye Dios Mio!

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Gif courtesy of MRWGifs.

Dinner was by far the most painful. The buffet pretty much lacked anything “normal.” One night they had pasta, which we all gorged ourselves with. Some of the other buffet options were “fish in sauce,” “seafood stew” and “stuff chicken.” These mysterious dishes didn’t look, smell or sound appetizing at all. The added fear that there was some hidden meat in everything kept us at bay. I felt bad for any vegetarians who were basically screwed because even the “salads” had meat in them.

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Doesn’t this buffet look great? Nope. Photo by Julia Liss

Our saving grace was a pizza place right next door. Every night my friends and I would go for pizza and finish a large between the three of us. It was $20 for a pie, but worth every cent (and every calorie) for its sesame-crusted amazingness. Drunchies have never been so satisfying.

My advice? Pack some granola bars if you’re heading to an all-inclusive resort any time soon.