In Dante’s Inferno, Dante travels through the nine circles of Hell, exploring the concepts of suffering, malice, and “bestial appetites” along the way. Its impact can’t be understated as millions of people continue to study it nearly 700 years after it was initially published. And yet, Dante’s lyrical chronicle of navigating the depths of Hell feels incomplete because it doesn’t include what many lovers of food consider to be the tenth circle: Pizza Hut.
Am I being too harsh? Perhaps. Plenty of people with great taste love Pizza Hut.
Regardless, we should give Dante a break for not envisioning a company that casually unveiled a grilled cheese stuffed crust pizza. Not even one of the most visionary writers of all-time could dream up such a dark fantasy. Similar lists of bizarre menu items tend to evoke a sense of wonder and curiosity, but the very notion that these Pizza Hut menu items exist or once existed should only evoke a profound sense of dread.
Grab a barf bag and accompany me on a tour through Frankenstein’s laboratory, but if Dr. Frankenstein created fast food “pizzas” instead of a sentient monster that terrorizes townspeople.
1. German King Pizza
A pizza fit for a king or a garbage disposal? This saucy fever dream from Pizza Hut Japan features crust stuffed with sausage, bacon, and more cheese. While one blogger extols the pie’s “flavor symphony,” I’m guessing it’s closer to a flavor cacophony.
2. Bigfoot Pizza
Two square feet. 21 slices. In 1993, we were still years away from the obesity epidemic ravaging America. There’s absolutely no way we can blame one pizza for such a complex issue. But we also can’t not blame the Bigfoot Pizza.
3. Chunky Loaded Pizza
Pizza Hut in Malaysia decided that instead of enjoying pizza, they’d rather ruin it. Featuring, ten different layers (one-upping the circles of Hell reference) of juicy chicken salami, chicken loaf, Spanish Tortilla flatbread, cheese, fresh vegetables and savory sauces, this pizza can both give you perpetual diarrhea and euthanize your faith in humanity.
4. Crown Crust Burger
Is it a cheeseburger connected to a pizza or a pizza with a cheeseburger crust? The correct answer: it’s an abomination. Lenin couldn’t have envisioned a better illustration of the evils of capitalism.
5. BIG Flavor Dipper Pizza
Okay, so this is a little less left-field than many of Pizza Hut’s other science experiments. However, it’s good to have a little perspective: a gargantuan box of cheese-covered dough complete with various “dippers” is considered “normal” by Pizza Hut standards. We’re turning into sheep, people. Sheeple.
6. Abalone Sauce Cheesy Lava Stuffed Crust Pizza
Shall we jump back onboard the crazy bus? Where to begin with this creation from Pizza Hut Hong Kong. Seafood, abalone sauce, crayfish and crab roe dressing, chicken, and enoki mushrooms, not to mention stuffed “cheesy lava” crust. Chartering a boat and heading out on the open waters is hard. This is an easier and cheaper way to get seasick.
7. Hot Dog Bites Pizza
Have you ever been eating pizza and thought, “Damn, I love crust, but it would be so much better if it were rubbery pigs in a blanket instead?” That pretty much sums up the focus group testing for Hot Dog Bites Pizza.
8. Shrimp and Mayo Roll Crust Pizza
I mean, they couldn’t just call it the Vomit Pizza, right?
9. Whole Shrimp Cheese Bite Pizza
If you’re the kind of person who thinks cheese and fish together is sacrilege, shield your eyes and scroll past this example. Remember Bubba in Forrest Gump? Bubba loved all ways of preparing and eating shrimp. But, sweet God, Bubba would’ve risen from the dead and rescued all the shrimp in the goddamn ocean just so they wouldn’t be exploited for such a nefarious purpose.
10. Grilled Cheese Stuffed Pizza
Pizza Hut’s slogan for its recent menu addition is “Eat Every Slice Like It’s Your Last.” With the Grilled Cheese Stuffed Pizza, that seems like less a motivational maxim and more like a double-dog dare.