It’s 2 am and you’ve just rolled in from a wild night at the bars. You’re starving so as per usual, so you order pizza. Veggie? Meat lovers? Margherita? Your mind is running wild until you make the impulse decision and just order the classic… Late night drunk cheese pizza.
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Your fingers fumble around the touch screen trying to type in the right numbers until finally you get the correct phone number. The employee picks up, you order your large extra cheesy cheese pizza, and then he asks the question.
“Would you like ranch or marinara with that?”
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This is the question debunking the minds of drunk individuals across America. What should one dip their pizza in to enhance the flavor of that cheesy goodness? Are you team ranch or team marinara or are you one of the weirdos that can’t figure out their life and mixes the two together? Now let’s debate:
Team Ranch
Photo by Kristen Eisenhauer
I must say that I am a fellow member of team ranch and whenever it comes to dipping, pouring, or smothering, ranch is my condiment of choice. Members of this team live outside of the box. We stray from the norm of the classic marinara and venture into the realm of creamy goodness.
Professional ranch dippers will know that there is a difference between that Hidden Valley monstrosity that you pour on your salad and a vat of rich, creamy, ranch dipping sauce. Those with a keen taste for the perfect ranch will tell you that classic handcrafted buttermilk was pizzas match made in heaven. And pizza isn’t the only thing you can put ranch on.
Team ranch would argue that there is no question when it comes to ranch vs. marinara because who would top a piece of food with something that is already in the ingredients. Marinara on top of marinara?! What kind of absurd creature are you.
Some thoughts from the team:
“You ask why Ranch is better? You should be asking why marinara even exists to begin with.” – Kate Heinz, avid rancher
“It is a universal dipping sauce, and it tastes delicious with virtually anything.” – Christi Druskovich, ranch enthusiast
Team Marinara
Photo by Kristen Eisenhauer
You stick with the classics and don’t like to venture far from home. Marinara and pizza have a deep relationship and you don’t want to be the one to break it with a side of ranch. The bond between the complementary taste of cheese and tomato is one you respect. You can even make your own marinara sauce with this recipe.
Ranch is an outlier and you are going to keep it that way. Members of this team are strong minded when it comes to the question of what one should dip their pizza in, and give a smirk when any of their friends order ranch on the side.
Some thoughts from the team:
“I would literally swim in marinara. Italy knew what was up. Do as the Italians do.” – Julia Sofo, marinara connoisseur
“Why marinara? Because ranch is for veggies, that’s why. Don’t let that stuff anywhere near my pizza.” – Bridget Carlson, ranch hater
Team Mix Them Together
Pick a side or GTFO.
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This great debate will continue until the end of time. As long as there is pizza, ranch and marinara will fight to be the dipping sauce of choice. Members of opposing teams will yell at each other when it comes time to order some drunk eats and there will never be a better compromise than ordering a side of each.
I may be a member of team ranch and you may be a member of team marinara, but in the end, I guess we all just love that gooey slice of hot cheesy pizza and that’s something we can all agree on. After all, there’s a reason it was the most Instagrammed food of 2015.
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