Despite the enumeration of this list, this testament to self love is not to place you among "the journey" of recovery, or to be taken as an order of operations. Rather, I wish to share my hopes for the future as a reminder of great things to come. It has been taking me years to reclaim a worldview and self perception through my own eyes, rather than my former role models with their idealized "body goals." By rephrasing my motivations in ways that have nothing to do with image and size, I try my best every day to be my own role model instead. These personal goals are meant to be supportive of your own struggles and paths of eating disorder recovery, wherever you may be.

1) I want to feel strong!

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There is so much to do, and so much to see outside! I know you know that the key to having energy throughout the day is no secret—nourishing food and deep sleep are essential foundations for everything you want to accomplish in a day. You need power to explore, and strength to hug yourself with!

2) I want to have a stronger BS detector!

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Yes, even with your own thoughts. In a world filled with spammy articles, internet trolls, and false information, there is even more of an incentive to dismiss negativity. Because there is nowhere to hide from this feedback loop online, the stress that comes with subjecting yourself to endless comparison and criticism may become normalized—but the more often you put intention into deflecting those critical voices, the easier it'll be the next time.

3) I want to be my best friend!

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How would you comfort your closest friend if they forgot about their self worth? Instead of gaslighting their concerns and redirecting them to what's "more important," you'd be gassing them up! Rapping both Doja Cat AND Saweetie's parts on "Best Friend" is strongly encouraged.

4) I want clothes that fit me, not to fit the clothes.

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Some clothes are designed for one specific body type, and that just isn't a universal reality. Comfort is a basic human need, and everyone deserves to feel supported, flattered, and free to move. If your favorite brand isn't progressive or caring enough to be size inclusive, it is most definitely not your problem. To restrictive clothing I say, "how dare you try to make me feel bad about myself!"

5) I want to be a respectful person.

This can start today, but it must come from within. Our bodies are ours to care for, listen to, and forgive on days where we don't have energy or forget to love ourselves. We should feel inspired by our efforts and abilities, and more importantly be forgiving of our shortcomings. This way, we can replace habits that our former role models promoted, and properly accommodate to our own needs.

During the restrictive periods of my disorderly eating cycles, I fell into the habit of pitting myself against the self that I wanted to be. Over time, I began to attach a certain moral value to a detached figure that I had never known, by telling myself that what I wanted to eat contradicted what I should want to eat; that having dinner at home was a more disciplined choice than going out with friends. In the pursuit of becoming the figure I wanted to have, I sacrificed myself and my state of being.

Disorderly habits and unhealthy thoughts might never fully disappear. It might be a struggle for a long time. However, with these goals in mind, I'm willing to crawl towards eating disorder recovery every day. Prioritizing life and emotional strength can and will become habits too. With love, Hollie.