Every Friday night around 1 am, you’ll find most of my school’s population packed into the bottom floor of our student center, salivating over the grill as they drunkenly waited for their french fries and grilled cheeses to magically arrive on their plates.
But smaller groups of students, still tottering in their heels, meander towards the ice cream bar or the stacks of shiny candy bars, cringing at the prospect of a grilled cheese this late at night.
After weekends of observing these late night eaters, I began to notice trends and personalities between drunchie snacks and the types of people who eat ’em. Here’s what I found.
Cheetos: The Drunk Adventurer
You’ve got a rebellious side that comes out after a few jello shots (need some help with making a batch of your own? We got you.). You’ll charm your way into the bar when it’s already packed or sneak Chinese food into your movie theater for a Saturday night showing (you may or may not also have a rebellious streak in the bright light of day). Your friends know you for always getting involved in some late night shenanigans.
Cheez Doodles: The Secret Powerhouse
Despite your size, you can outdrink and out-pong all of your friends. Before someone says “I can do that faster than you,” you’ve challenged them to seeing how fast they can shotgun a beer (and can they beat your record of six seconds? I think not.)
You’ll be able to dominate the game of beer pong that follows. (And you’ve never EVER gotten the center cup. That was your teammate. Both times.) Just like Cheez Doodles themselves, you’re determined to take on the competition. Bonus points if your inner New Yorker shines through.
S’mores Poptarts: The Snuggler
Just the way the warm, homemade marshmallow and chocolate makes you want to curl up with a snuggie, you lurrve getting cozy with your roomies after sharing a bottle of wine. And there may or may not be videos of you mumbling incoherently into the cushions like a sleepy koala.
Nutella: The Aca-Drunk
You know all of the words to Pitch Perfect. You can’t decide whether you’d rather have the vocal range of Brittany Snow or Anna Kendrick. You’re in your school’s acapella group—and you really have had a riff off.
And whenever T-Swift comes on—even if you’re mid-drink—harmonizing is bound to happen. LOTS of harmonizing. It is a beast in you that cannot be tamed.
Cookie Butter: The Creative Drunchie Maker
Even though it’s three in the morning and you have drunkenly refused to change out of your clothes that reek of whiskey, you’re in the kitchen making a pimped out grilled cheese. IT’S THREE IN THE MORNING. THE GRILLED CHEESE WITH TRUFFLE OIL AND BACON CAN WAIT.
Peanut M&Ms: The Drunk Friend of Substance
After a few mixed drinks, you’ll be found arguing that 50 Shades of Gray WAS in fact a cinematographic masterpiece. And you will name sources. Your professors would be proud of your ability to deliver an impromptu discussion on the importance of feminism at the movies. Now, whether you remember it tomorrow? That’s what Snapchat is for.
Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts: The beloved one
You walk into a party and everyone cheers. You always seem to know someone from a class that you randomly took freshman year. Your friends love your laid back vibe and your knowledge of who has the best booze and which sports teams completely wrecked their apartment at their last party.
Kickass. Reliable. I want to be you when I grow up. You know you’re loved—don’t even try to deny it.
Oreos: The One with a Drunk Night Ritual
Just like Oreos + Milk, you know there are some things that you should never mess with. Crazy night out? You know you’re booty calling Dominos to bring you a double order of cheesy bread. A Friday night is never the same without your cornerstone habits. We feel you.
Bougy Hot Dogs: The Drunk Who’s a Classy-Ass MoFo The Morning After
They walk into class with their shirt ironed and their hair freshly washed—and you have to pause to see the telltale shine of regret in their eyes. You can count on them acting like a champ the morning after, no matter how hard they went the night before.
Cold Leftover Pizza: The “It-Could-Be-Worse” Drunk
Cold Pizza is still pizza, even if it’s been sitting on the counter in the pizza box from the night before when you demanded pepperoni appear at your door (or demanded your roommate made it for you in quesadilla form). It could be worse. Just how this person will constantly apologize for “being sooo drunk,” but they could be way worse. Trust me on this.
Greek Yogurt and Frozen Berries: The Drunk Who Has Their Sh*t Together
This person always remembers to drink a large glass of water before bed; they’ve always got a creative healthy snack prepped the night before going out. This person will also be the recipient of my hungover hatred when they come bounding into my room at 10 AM with a boatload of energy. I hiss at you.
Kraft Mac N’ Cheese: The Homemaker Drunk
This person will go on for HOURS asking “Is it really worth the effort to deal with downtown tonight?” after pre-gaming. Just like our basic mac n’ cheese (and we give you the ultimate ranking here) they know that sometimes the easiest way is the best way.
Got a favorite drunchie that didn’t make the list? Check ’em out here: