After finishing both seasons of House of Cards, I distinctly remember thinking to myself each time “wow, that was really depressing.” Don’t get me wrong, I fully intend on finishing season three by the end of this weekend, but before that I am in need of some lighthearted humor; we all are. So, here is a list of the characters as sandwiches. Dig in.

Frank Underwood  a.k.a “The BBQ Chopped Beef Sandwich”

It only makes sense that Underwood would be a barbecue chopped beef sandwich, since he eats almost every meal at Freddy’s BBQ. Just like a messy barbecue sandwich, Frank’s ruthless plans are always messy with lies, cheating, conniving and backstabbing. But after finishing a barbecue sandwich, we wipe our faces and hands clean, removing any trace of barbecue sauce, and Frank does the same. He always seems to skillfully clean up after himself so nothing ever traces back to him.

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Claire Underwood a.k.a “The Lettuce Wrapped Turkey Roll-Up”

Okay, so not a sandwich in the strictest sense of the word, but come on. We all know she would rather have a lettuce wrapped turkey roll-up accompanied by a glass of red wine. Claire always seems to be on the move, whether she is busy at work, plotting with her husband (or against him) or making numerous late night runs. Claire is also active, and she deserves a sandwich that reflects this characteristic. And despite all the running around, Claire always makes time for a glass of red wine.

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Doug Stamper a.k.a “The Club”

He is the yes-man, the go-to guy. Without him, Frank Underwood could not accomplish all of his dirty plans. Kelly is the fallback, much like a Club sandwich. You see it on the menu; it’s not that exciting. You were hoping to try a new sandwich, but in a pinch, you choose the Club out of habit. Kelly has been around so long that Frank trusts him to get the job done by whatever means Kelly deems appropriate. So, occasionally we see a rash decision that reveals Kelly’s true-self. Think of his actions like a Club sandwich with one special ingredient, such as avocado slices or bean sprouts. As you sink your teeth into the Club, you wonder why it tries to be something that it simply is not.

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Zoe Barnes a.k.a “The Ramen Burger”

Zoe. Poor Zoe. Smart, forward-thinking, exceptionally bright but maybe a bit too eager. Zoe is that trendy sandwich that seems to come and go in the blink of an eye, such as last year’s craze over the ramen burger. It caught the attention of the right people at the right time, and it went viral. But now we never hear about it. This seems to be the case with Zoe, except her ending came much faster.

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Peter Russo a.k.a “The Philly Cheesesteak”

Peter, born in Philadelphia, is definitely the Philly Cheesesteak. Eating a Philly Cheesesteak is never a clean process. Frank Underwood always follows behind Russo to ensure the plan stays intact, basically keeping all the sides together when they desperately want to fall apart. Despite his high hopes and goals, Peter finds himself in toxic situations that he can never quite escape.

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Remy Danton a.k.a “The Monte Cristo”

I could not help but pick the Monte Cristo sandwich for its name, because Remy is the mysterious, get-the-job done type, much like the main character from The Count of Monte Cristo. And like this popular sandwich, Remy has a sweet, flirtatious side, which is the equivalent of the powdered sugar sprinkled over the complex layered ham and cheese sandwich. Also, he’s beautiful, and Monte Cristos are kind of beautiful, too.

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Freddy Hayes a.k.a “The PB&J”

Freddy Hayes is the owner of Freddy’s BBQ, the small restaurant where Frank Underwood indulges in the finger-lickin’ good ribs and holds his covert meetings. Freddy is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich; initially, rough around the edges like a peanut butter and jelly’s crust, he gets sweeter as you get to understand the man, similar to a PB&J getting sweeter as you eat your way to the gooey center. Freddy loves his family and his business, and he cooks only one thing: his famous ribs. And peanut butter and jelly is one sweet, classic sandwich.

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So if season three proves to be too much to handle with the conniving plans of Frank Underwood, just imagine them as sandwiches, and you might crack a smile.

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