Ladies, you may now exit your browsers because as we all know, you don’t poop, so this article really doesn’t apply to you. KIDDING, STAY. If I could track down the delusional male who created this myth as a means of easing his own discomfort, I would, but instead, I’ll take the high road.
I’m officially praising both males and females, making it known that we’re all number one for going number two. Holla for mother nature, yo.
The popular children’s book says it best: Everybody Poops. “Dropping the kids off at the pool,” “laying a cable,” “taking a royal squat,” “releasing the Kraken” – call it what you will, we’re all doing it.
Now that we’ve clarified that this is, in fact, a thing for us all, it’s time to get real about whether that “thing” you’re doing is happening too often, not happening often enough, or maybe you’re Goldilocks, and the amount it’s happening is juuuuust right.
But, really, how many times is normal?
Turns out, there’s no Goldilocks golden rule for how many times a day you should be doin’ the deed. According to Greatist, it’s more of a normal range than a normal number. A normal range spans three times a day to once every three days, meaning the average person poops approximately once a day.
APPROXIMATELY ONCE A DAY!? But, I haven’t gone in two days! Has my health gone to sh*t? No, no it hasn’t. Yes, the average person poops approximately once a day, but as the normal range states, it doesn’t qualify as constipation unless you’ve gone a solid 72 hours without a solid squatting session.
#SpoonTip: A solid squatting session is defined as one ounce of stool. One ounce of Hershey Kisses is roughly 6-7 kisses. Photo below for reference.
If it’s been three days and you’re still finding yourself (and your bowels) stuck, don’t freak. Constipation isn’t serious, but it can be uncomfortable. Start trying to consciously add more fiber into your diet, this can be anything from nuts to whole grains to bran or even fruit.
If you feel like you’re still not getting enough poopin’ power-up in your regular diet, fiber supplements are always available (and like all great supplements they exist in gummy form).
But, wait, is poop like dessert? Can you never have too much? While dessert and dumps are similar in that they both often take place after a meal, poop is not like dessert, and too much of it is a thing. (Sorry in advance for associating the two and potentially forever ruining brownie desserts for you).
However, it’s important to know that going four-plus times a day or having watery, thin stools each time you go may be cause for some concern.
This doesn’t mean that your post-‘Potle burrito runs that have you chained to the latrine should cause you to stress, but if you find that your average run time is longer than most of the Harry Potter films’ running times, you might consider stupefying your bowels by laying off caffeine, alcohol, high fat and high fiber foods
My poop is green. AM I OKAY? (Probs)
Now that we’ve Febreze-d and cleared the air about what constitutes as the “normal range” for your daily, thrice daily or once-every-three-days-daily dumps, it’s important to understand what the color and texture of your produced human-produce means for your digestive system.
If your poop is dark in color (like, black), pay close attention, because this could be a sign of serious internal bleeding. Don’t freak out yet, though. On the other hand, your stool could turn black after taking an iron supplement or some prescriptions. If you’re concerned, def hit up your doc.
On the other side of the spectrum, if your poop is super light colored, it could mean there’s a problem with your liver and it’s not producing enough enough bile — so, see a doctor.
And if your poop is jolly green, you might have had one too many salads, or you’re using the bathroom pretty frequently and the bile that helps your body digest fats hasn’t had enough time to break down. This isn’t usually a cause for concern, so you can keep on doing you.
What about the texture, though?
In order to completely evaluate your bowel movements, the texture of the kids you drop off at the pool should also be looked at. If your poo is lumpy or in hard lumps, you might be constipated. If it’s soft or watery, you may have diarrhea caused by medications you’re taking, a lactose intolerance, a virus or a digestive disorder. Basically, if your poop isn’t soft and smooth, take a look at your diet and talk to your doctor about how to get on track for a healthy squat sesh.
So it’s out in the open — everybody poops, and the amount varies from person-to-person. Maybe the more open we are about our poops, the less likely we’ll be to find ourselves in situations similar to this woman’s first date pooping experience, chronicled in this harrowing Twitter tale.
Regardless, the next time a guy tries to tell you that girls don’t poop or a girl attempts to convince you that she spent 35+ minutes in the bathroom “getting ready” and “applying makeup,” just know, he or she is totally full of crap.