Last week, I set out with a pure and noble goal: find out the weird things that Northwestern vegetarians eat to get protein in their diets, and then write a funny article about it. Hopeful and naive, I enthusiastically designed a survey and sent it out into the Wild West that is the Internet. I had no idea things would go so awry.

You see, I asked two simple questions in this survey:

1. What is your name?

2. What is the weirdest thing you’ve eaten as a vegetarian in order to get protein?

At first, I got some innocent, legitimately helpful answers from actual vegetarians…

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“I had a hard-boiled egg and peanut butter sandwich once (Keyword: once).” -Haley Kost

“One time I mixed cottage cheese with Nutella because I didn’t eat any protein in my lunch, and I wanted to eat a dessert. It was pretty gross to be honest.” -Jessica Li

Some were strange, but still actually answered the question…

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“I don’t always have much food in the room, and sometimes I wait until the last second to get to class. Multiple times I have resorted to eating a vegan sausage straight from the refrigerator (30 grams of protein!). My friends and I have affectionately nicknamed this desperate maneuver, “The Ice-Cold Vegan Wiener.” -Adam Joel

“I’m allergic to nuts but I a few years ago, I ate almonds in small quantities until I wasn’t allergic to them anymore because I was mad that I couldn’t eat trail mix and that all Nature Valley bars seemed to contain some type of nut.” -Tiffany Zheng

But then came the meat-eaters, and my survey didn’t stand a CHANCE. The carnivores took my survey and turned it into a farce, with more than half the answers following a similar scheme…

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“Ham on chicken on steak on a hamburger with a side of ground beef.” -Meaty McMeaterson

“Meat.” -I don’t know you

Some tried to soften the blow by being poetic in their trolling…

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“once i ate a meat / it was so salt / i cry tear / you smile fear / this is a poem / i wrote it / for u.” -Gene

Some went by well-known aliases to avoid detection…

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“Moose.” -Sarah Palin

“Lilo.” -Stitch

And some, well, some were just straight up graphic…

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“I once got separated from my hiking group on a day hike with nothing but a bag of granola in my sack. I ended up being lost for a few days. I tried to survive off of berries and plants, but ultimately I knew I needed protein for strength. I used my wilderness training to hunt and kill a few squirrels. When I was found a few hours later, I immediately resumed my vegetarianism.” -Julia Feeney

In conclusion: MEAT-EATING CLEARLY MAKES YOU A CRUEL, BLOOD-THIRSTY PERSON. YOU ALL SUCK AND YOU HURT MY FEELINGS.

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