There’s something about Tally. Something that screams, “Let loose and PARTY all year long” (whether there’s a holiday or not). Of course, I tend to agree with this sentiment. Life is a constant celebration, ya know? But sometimes, we should be serious. We’ve got school, work, family, and a false reputation of responsibility and innocence to uphold. But most of all, if we don’t pull ourselves together occasionally, we just might get coal in our stockings.
Christmas is coming, guys. And what’s more Christmas than Mr. Klaus?
So I wonder what would happen if Santa himself decided to make a pit-stop in Tally and rendezvous with the ‘Noles… what would happen to his reputation, his sleigh ride, and his annual promise to the world if he acted like one of us just for a night?
1. Santa would replace his cookies ‘n milk with liquor and a Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit
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The Christmas Eve food tradition would be broken. I mean, just ask Whataburger what late snack we crave after a long night out. Although, I’m not sure they’d have enough biscuits to feed both Jolly Papa and his crew of reindeer.
2. Santa would be hired as a bouncer at Pots
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Now, I don’t know about you, but if I ran into a Bouncer as big as Santa, I’d probably make the nice list. Who wants to fight a big man in a red suit? Plus, Mr. Claus gets the perk of eating from the buffet (and drinking all of the pitchers he wants) in exchange for denying underage kids alcohol.
Once he sobers up though, I’m not sure he’d want to be a bouncer again. I mean, imagine having to deal with drunk, insubordinate people every night that have lost every bit of common sense. Not fun for you, not fun for me, not fun for Santa.
3. Santas sleigh would get stuck in the Guthrie’s line
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Because Guthrie’s is so cheap and delicious, everyone likes to rush there after spending all their dolla billz at the club. Unfortunately, the line gets so long it trails into the street and stalls all the cars headed down Tennessee St.
And if that wasn’t already horrible enough, a celebrity in town like #KrisKringle would prolong the already sluggish process and cause a stampede for pictures. But since Claus is such a people person, he is always ready to satisfy a desire for photographs with the one and only.
4. The reindeer would offer two-way cab service in exchange for Z-Baked
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Food, especially free food, has special powers of persuasion. If you offer enough of it, you can get people (or animals) to do anything for you. If you pick up some late night z-baked and bewitch the reindeer with sugar and chocolate, we’re sure you could get continuous airfare for the rest of the night. Now that’s what I call a deal.
5. Drunk Santa will refuse to finish gift-giving because he drank too much Tequila
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There are two main reasons for pregames in Tally. One is ‘cause we’re cheap and don’t want to buy drinks at a bar, and another is that the clubs close too early and the only way to handle such a depressing truth is to make the night continue through our own pre-party before the party.
Although sometimes we can find an after-party somewhere, we don’t expect to, so we take too many shots during the night and end up blacked out even before closing time. So you see what the problem is here, right? If Santa maintained the same mentality, then he would fail to finish his trip and possibly lose his job forever.
6. Everyone on the nice list would be served BOGO champagne at Tabu
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You know, sometimes it pays off to be nice. If you decide to treat Santa to a nice round of shots, I’m sure he’d be happy to put a good word in for you or a round of champagne. Maybe he’ll even hook you up with a permanent stamp on his list of goody-goodies, and tote you around Tally in his sleigh like college royalty..
7. Mr. Claus would get stuck in a chimney from eating too much Gumby’s
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Okay, so we all like pizza. Actually, we LOVE pizza. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t steer clear of it every once in awhile. You know, just to make sure our jeans still fit for at least a year before we move up a size. In any case, we need to watch ourselves in case we prove to be bad influences for Santa. If we want him to make it through the night alive, we should limit our shot intake and be content with a 12” instead of a large.
8. After a failed evening of deliveries, he’d be forced to hitchhike home with a hangover because #safety
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Talk about a Christmas surprise. In Tallahassee, everyone has a night they remember, forget, or never ever expected to happen. After his time in this city, Santa is bound to write Tally off the nice list forever. Unless you are gracious enough to give him a ride home… or at least to wherever he left his sleigh.
So let’s make sure Santa does his job right and gets home. It’ll be worth it. Plus everyone is relying on us to get Santa (and ourselves) home safe, keep off the naughty list, and do our best to love each other as much as we can.