So after being wildly unproductive this spring break, I decided to get down to business and start doing something worthwhile to get ready for the restart of classes. Read: hours of preparation for the season premiere of Game of Thrones. Armed with chips and dip and settled with the optimal viewing position (it only took four rearrangements), HBO GO was primed and ready. I was pumped. After trying for half an hour to get the show actually streaming (damn you, HBO servers), that wonderful cello music began.
But there was another sound accompanying the cello: my stomach. I hadn’t timed dinner right and I was hungry AF during the whole show. Instead of concentrating on Jon Snow’s beautiful eyes and imagining painful deaths for Joffrey (oh boy were my wishes fulfilled), I was thinking about food.
Not that I mind thinking about food. I think about food almost all day, everyday. But this was Thrones time, and Khaleesi demanded my attention. So I compromised and thought about both at the same time. What foods match which characters?
Well, besides the obvious:
Though there are of course allowances made for personal preferences, I’d say that some truths can be universally acknowledged.
Daenerys, Khaleesi, Misa, Stormborn, Targareyean: Steak
I wanted to do something along the lines of dragon meat, or, remember that time she ate a whole horse’s heart? But bummer, dragons don’t exist, and no one wants to eat a horse. So I went to the next most bad-ass food: A huge, juicy, steak. I know there are vegetarians among us, but come on, in a world where we don’t hunt our own food anymore, a steak is as close as we can get to stabbing our own bison or something. If you’re extra badass, order it rare or medium rare and channel Khaleesi eating that horse’s heart.
I won’t lie, I Googled “most disgusting foods” for this one. Sannakji is a dish eaten in Korea and consists of live octopuses with sesame oil. I love calamari, but only when the squid is fried and very, very dead. This is disgusting. Also, the tentacles can stick to your throat and strangle you from this inside. I’m sure that’s how everyone feels about Joffrey. What a little monster that kid is (was?). When I look at his face I feel like I’m being strangled from the inside out. So the little shit gets Sannakji.
Tyrion Lannister: Beer
Besides his obvious drinking problem, Tyrion gets beer because he’s a boss. He may not be good for you, and lots of fussy people hate him (Daddy Lannister), but he’s a damn good time. What’s that saying? “God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy?” Well at King’s Landing God is Tywin, Beer is Tyrion, and Cersei is batshit crazy.
Brienne of Tarth: Lettuce
Brienne. She’s a good person, and she can be dressed up and look kind of nice, but let’s be real – she’s just not so exciting. Booorrring. You know lettuce is good for you, but you just don’t really want it. Sorry, Bri, you’re okay, but really only funny when Jaime is making fun of you.
The Hound: Chicken
Okay, so maybe I’m just saying this because of his great line to that a**hole in the tavern, but let’s think about it. The Hound is underrated andawesome. At first we were like, “Ew this guy’s face is gross, and he needs a haircut. Also, he seems kind of dumb.” Then we get to see his soft side. And by soft side I mean giving Arya her own pony after they kill like twenty guys. He’s subtly hilarious and actually one of the good guys. Much like chicken, he gets overlooked because he’s not flashy or rich, but he is consistent. Chicken is also consistent. You can cook it a million different ways, it’s cheap, it’s easy, and it tastes great every time.
Ygritte: Beef Jerky
She’s tough, sometimes abrasive and could give you a stomach-ache (like when she shoots you three times). But you have a weakness for her. She’s super sassy and you kinda like it. I don’t want to have beef jerky everyday- that’s too much. I don’t think my teeth or breath could take it. But sometimes, it’s exactly what I need. And sometimes I’m tired of everyone in King’s Landing playing games (pun intended) with each other. I need her to be blunt, and shoot someone point blank.
Though all these foods may be somewhat boring on their own, thrown them all together on the same plate and it makes for one hell of an interesting meal.