Drinking beer and choosing what music to play are both situational activities. I’d be as hard pressed to pick a #fire track like “Molly Cyrus” while driving my great uncle Shawn to men’s choir as I would to play anything by Daughtry at my bros’ pregame. Or ever, for that matter. Sorry D.

Anyway, the physical act of putting beer liquid into your mouth hole is not nearly as important as analyzing your location and audience. Listen, my friend, (and I use that term “my friend” very loosely when I’m talking to you) 99% of the time you should follow this basic logic.


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BUT LET’S NOT FORGET ABOUT THE ANOMALY. THE 1%.THE OUTLIER. Those rare situations where any form of boozing is acceptable. The closest realistic setting would be Saturday day drinking. No doubt there will be a sizable chunk of friends trying to get plastered like expensive drywall.


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But bet on the presence of those who just wanna get a lil’ buzzed before going out all night. These festivities are as pure as the game of baseball and as majestic as the buffalo wandering the plains. Enough imagery. Here is the unarguable and totally objective ranking for ways to drink beer when the situation DOESN’T call for it:

8. Ice Luge


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Try hard, much? You spent $350 on that ice luge? Questionable. You could have gotten ice for 50 bucks then bought 20 more cases. Logistics, man. I’d rather have broads in Atlanta any day.

7. Shotgun


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A lot of potential here. If there was a robot that could make the perfectly smooth shotgun hole for me, this method would be near the top of the list. Call me sawft, but I usually end up getting a metallic/bloody aftertaste from shotgunning.

6. Keg Stand


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Overrated, but fun every once in a while. An essential and massive component of boozing is being able to do other s*** (chatting, playing Frisgolf, punching whomever put on Daughtry). Doing a keg stand makes two to three people commit the audacious crime of setting down their beers. Nothing good happens 1) after 4 a.m. or 2) once you set down your drink.

5. Classic


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Bro. Broooooo. You want another scoop of double vanilla ice cream? Want me to park your Toyota Corolla for you? Do you have every line to Season Two of Walking Dead memorized? If you answered yes to any of these questions, by all means, continue drinking at a regular pace. Just GTFO.

4. Sip


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I respect the sip game a lot… for approximately 10 of the 500 beers on the planet. I do not want to bask in the spongy undertones of Keystone. Nor the paper mill sensation of Miller Light. But slip me a Boulder Shake Chocolate Porter and I’ll nurse that bad boy until sundown.

3. Bong


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By far the most effective way to get hammered, if that’s your ultimate end game. Loses points for the automatic case of strep throat you get the next day. No, Denison employee, I do not own one. This is hypothetical ugh.

2. In the Shower


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The sensation of knocking back a cold one while having the nape of your neck sprayed with lukewarm, iron-laden tap water is essentially a baptism into the hedonistic church of adult libation.

1. Chug


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This is what George Natural had in mind when he invented Natty Light in 1890. Through the progress of science and technology, his vision was fulfilled and the perfectly chuggable beer was created. It was conceived to be drank in roughly two minutes and Mr. Natural’s dying wish should be honored.