“Dating in college is awesome,” said nobody ever. I mean, do people even go on actual dates beyond the occasional semi-formal? No. Well, simply given that I’m a college student, I feel that I have some pretty extensive qualifications on this topic. And it’s important to provide some insight into the questions every incoming college student is dying to understand—what’s up with college guys? Naturally, the best way to explain who you should be spending your time with is through ice cream. So, here’s every guy you’ll meet in college, explained using Halo Top.
The Frat Star—Red Velvet
We all love a good frat boy—they're basic, they're sexy, and they're a potentially regrettable good time. Red velvet is the perfect flavor for them, the somehow persistent trend that doesn't really make sense and everyone returns to it anyways. Red velvet isn't actually that special, but we convince ourselves that it's worth it, just like the freezing trek to frat row.
The Radio Station DJ—Pistachio
This boy is artsy, and he needs you to know. His tousled brown hair is somehow always a little bit floppy, evidence of his late night coffee-fueled (black like his soul) sessions in the studio. Pistachio isn't a new flavor, but it's a little bit ~alt~ just like your boy who refuses to listen to anyone with more than a million listeners on Spotify.
The Booty Call—Lemon Cake
He's a little thrilling, a little risky, but honestly, worth the fun. He's leaves you with lots of questions. Will he call? Only if he's drunk? Will you ever want more with him? So does lemon cake—what's the cake? Is it a pound cake, or a cheesecake? Lmk.
The Friend-zoned Guy—Mint Chip
Mint chip is dependable. It's a great companion, you love eating it, and it's low-key everyone's favorite—it's just not incredibly exciting. Just like your best guy friend, mint chip will always be there when you need it to be.
The "It's Complicated" Guy—Caramel Macchiato
He's not a booty call, he just doesn't like labels. He's important to you and provides an exciting jolt of energy, but you don't really want to bring him home to your parents. Just like you don't want to explain to your mom why you're basically getting a Starbucks drink as a pint of diet ice cream.
The Library Resident—Vanilla Bean
He's a kind of a square, but in the most endearing and well-intending way. He works really, really hard, just not for something super exciting. His natural habitat is the middle of the night in the library's silent level, surrounded by stacks of papers and falling asleep with a pencil behind his ear. His quality is predictable, just like vanilla; you know it'll taste good, but you may not pick if there are other options.
The Long-Term Boyfriend—Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
He's everyone's favorite, your parents love him, your friends love him, and he sends you gifs of puppies when you're sad. You know you can rely on him to not only satisfy your needs, but to surprise you with things you wouldn't even think to ask for. If you can't tell, chocolate chip cookie dough is my favorite flavor. And I'm a relationship girl.
The SJW—Dairy-free Toasted Coconut
He's woke as hell, slightly intimidating, and a little bit of a risk. You know your conversations will always leave you thinking, just like you're left wondering how Halo Top managed to use coconut milk to create such a wonderful flavor in so little calories.
The Mama's Boy—Strawberry
He's a sweetheart in a down-home country kind of way. The Southern drawl draws you in, and his mom sends him baked goods weekly (along with clean laundry, which she insists on doing). He's a safe choice, just like strawberry—it won't let you down, but it won't change your life.
At the end of the day, college guys might not always be there for you. But ice cream will be—it's an important dimension of any college student's self care.