Walk around any Monday at a college campus eatery and hear the words “Ugh I can’t, I drunk ate sooo much this weekend.” Those words will usually be coming from the mouth of a twenty something girl who’s pushing away a salad, or if she got crazy, a yogurt. Have I been guilty of saying those same words? Of course. Everyone’s had the hazy image of a calzone dripping with grease swim in front of them the morning after and hung their head in shame. However, let’s be honest, how good did that taste? So good.
In an effort to provide some comfort to drunk eaters everywhere (and very possibly to assuage my own guilty conscience), I shall now enumerate a few of the many benefits of drunk eating and explain why it’s good for society.
Side note, this chicken gets it:
Drunk eating prevents bad behavior. When you reluctantly stumble out of Dunbars at 1:30am, you could be going to wreak havoc on Collegetown. As the thought crosses your mind to ding dong ditch every apartment in Eddygate or maybe flash the owner of Souvlaki house, your stomach rumbles. Then, instead of breaking a few laws, you head to that palace of drunchies, that mecca of grease, CTP. You spend an absurd amount of money on ziti-covered slices and sober up a bit. Maybe you flirt a little with Muhammed to avoid the credit card minimum rule. Crisis (and criminal charges for flashing) averted.
That absurd amount of money leads me to my second point. Drunk eating helps the economy. College students know how to spend money on what’s important. That ticket to Macklemore? Of course. That formal dress? Definitely. Food, when not Cornell Carding, is less of a priority. That fact is the reason so many businesses in Collegetown are suffering. But all caution goes to the wind when students are drunk and it’s a boon to the businesses still here. That alcohol induced “here, just take my card”, is helping businesses survive and thrive. And hey, if it emptied your bank account, at least you’re increasing small business’s revenue. That’s building an economy from the bottom up. Bottom of the glass, that is.
Drunk eating helps your social life. Bars are great, but they can be hard places to meet people. It’s dark, crowded, and loud. Not exactly the perfect conduit for socialization. But everyone wants an introduction when you’re ordering a pie at Pizza Connection. Maybe they’re shameless vultures that just want a slice, or maybe they’re your new best friend. You’ll have an adorable story to tell about how the two of you finished a whole buff-chick pizza without an ounce of shame and were friends ever since.
A final point in favor of drunk eating: it prevents waste. Because no one’s especially picky when smashed, any food is good food. The milk that’s one day away from expiration or the slightly stale graham crackers are both good options at 3am. Something that would be thrown away the next day is being used to its full utility. And efficiency is something to be admired.
At some point in the night both this garbage and this pig both look good enough to eat…
So, admire yourselves, drunk eaters of the world. You are avoiding misconduct, helping the economy, making friends, and preventing unnecessary waste. Keep on eating (and drinking) my friends.