Lifestyle
We Taste Tested Crappy Boxed Wine to Prove that Franzia is Actually the Worst
I don’t know about you, but boxed wine plays a pretty important role in my life. That’s exactly why I decided to recruit five of my closest friends to come to the ultimate conclusion of which brand reigns supreme.
In order to be fair, the Franzia vs. Vella taste test was blind and each sample was rated on a scale of 1-5.
Photo by Kelli Haugh
The Scale
- I would rather take a shot with no chaser than drink this
- If the party was dry and the wine was free, then maybe I’d consider it
- I’d slap the bag
- I would shower in this on my honeymoon
- I would choose this over water on a deserted island
Franzia Sunset Blush
Photo by Kelli Haugh
Sunset Blush was my first debut into the world of boxed wine, but I think my tastes have evolved since then. It’s syrupy sweet but has the distinct bite of Franzia and reminds me of the first time I ever drank wine straight from the bag.
- “This brings back bad memories.”
- “I think I puked this once.”
- “Really…? I think this tastes good. Tastes like freshman year.”
TOTAL: 1.75
Franzia Refreshing White
Photo by Kelli Haugh
I’m partial to white wine, but this just doesn’t do it for me. I can picture in a spritzer (maybe?) or mixed into sangria, but on its own? Just no.
- “That is definitely Franzia.”
- “I’d slap the bag if I was desperate…like if I was at Penn State.”
- Note: one of the judges was unable to finish the sample
TOTAL: 2.8
Chillable Red Franzia
Photo by Kelli Haugh
I was actually shocked that Franzia’s red wine beat out Vella’s. If there’s one thing Franzia does right, it’s their Chilled Red. I felt as classy as you can feel while drinking a sample of boxed wine out of a shot glass.
- “I think I drank this when I went to I’m Shmacked… I remember chugging it out of a coffee mug.”
- “If I had my way this wouldn’t even make it on this list.”
- “This is something to my mom would drink.”
- “You drink this to get drunk, but you don’t enjoy it.”
- “I’d take a shot of this in my eyeball.” (what?)
TOTAL: 3.25
Vella Delicious Red
Photo by Kelli Haugh
I’m not a big red drinker and this wasn’t unbearable to me, but it also wasn’t great. It reminds me of the first time your mom let you sip her wine at the dinner table and you pretended to like it just because it was wine.
- “Oh, that is Franzia.”
- “No it isn’t, Franzia tastes like butter.”
- “No way, it doesn’t have the bite of Franzia.”
- “I don’t like red but I’d probably drink this.”
TOTAL: 3.01
Vella Delicious White
Photo by Kelli Haugh
If you fed this to me during daycare and told me it was white grape juice, I’d probably believe you. While a real wine connoisseur may turn their nose up to how sweet this is, I love it. Definitely a great summer wine.
- “This tastes like something I’ve never had.”
- “This tastes like juice.”
- “Wow.”
- “If this is white Franzia then my mind is blown.”
- “I kind of want to shower in this now.”
TOTAL: 4.25
Vella Delicious Blush
Photo by Kelli Haugh
I may be biased because this is my go-to boxed wine of choice. To me, it’s hands-down the obvious winner. With just the right amount of sweet and none of that Franzia after-bite, this one is obviously the real (college) deal.
- “I’ve never had this ever…. THIS IS DELICIOUS.”
- “Vella is hands down better than Franzia.”
- “I would inject this into my veins.”
- “This is better than sex. Or at least better than the sex I’ve been having.”
TOTAL: 4.42
The Results
VELLA = 3.89
FRANZIA = 2.6
After adding up the scores of both brands, Vella won with a 1.29 lead over Franzia. Drink up, folks.
To satisfy more of your wine-o needs check out: