A friend of mine by the name of Eric Rivera happens to run a Facebook group for sharing awful recipes. Because I hate myself, I decided that joining it and turning my life into a greasy nightmare that manifests any time I check my phone would be a good idea.
I think it’s about time I admit that was a mistake. There’s just so much bad food out there! Sometimes, the good folks who typically bring you quality food-related content mess up. Back in the day, we had Jello salads and bananas with hollandaise (no thanks), but today’s culinary trends have yielded some…Interesting creations as well.
After being introduced to these Facebook groups dedicated to making fun of bad dishes (“Awful Recipes: Recipes for Catastrophe” and Awful Recipes 2: Electric Boogaloo among them), I began to see patterns emerge. There were several culinary wrongs that simply kept showing up again and again. I present to you the results of my research, in convenient list form.
1. Warm Avocado
If the recipe requires you to cook an avocado, it’s bad and wrong. There are plenty of things you can do with this versatile, fatty fruit. Baking and deep frying are not included under that list.
“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should” is a phrase that comes to mind.
2. Too Much Cream Cheese
No recipe should require more than a package of cream cheese. Wanna know what else doesn’t require cream cheese? Mac and cheese, cheese blends, soups, stews and cheese sauce of any kind. Cream cheese is not a substitute for real cheese. Spread it on a bagel or stay far away from it.
It was all going so well. You had a perfectly decent mac and cheese going and you just had to add the cream cheese.
3. Too Much Work
The effect of those Tasty-style videos is to make dishes look simple. When sped up, 10 minutes of kneading can seem like a breeze and you may not even notice that “chill in the fridge for 1.5 hours.” I’m a college student. I have classes. I can’t be bothered to fill, bake and frost a bowl of mini pop-tart cereal in the morning. Sorry.
I literally don’t know anyone whose life is together enough that they’d actually wake up early and do this for breakfast.
4. Too Much Bacon
Cured meat has a salty, rich flavor that adds complexity to many dishes. However, liberal use of cured meat, particularly bacon, is not a substitute for actual culinary skill. Before you wrap something in bacon, ask yourself if the bacon adds anything, or if it’ll turn your dish into a pile of greasy salt.
Would you like a sandwich with your pile of salt?
5. Things That Aren’t Sushi
Before you put something in sushi form, ask yourself: should this really be in sushi form? Was sushi poutine a good idea? Sushi burgers? Cheeto-crusted sushi burritos? Sushi doughnuts? cheese covered sushi? Please make it stop. Did you think there wasn’t a specific group for exactly this? Because there is.
It’s like someone explained a few culinary terms like “cake,” “sushi” and “chicken” to an alien and let it loose on a kitchen.
6. Things That Aren’t Lasagna
Not everything has to be layered and baked. Lasagnas do, but not everything you eat has to be a lasagna. Glad we’ve gotten that one out of the way.
It’s like eating both lasagna and tacos, except disgusting.
7. Rivers of Melted Cheese
There’s a limit to how much cheese you can melt on something. If you’d like to see people push that limit way farther than anyone should, I recommend you scroll through Roll That Beautiful Cheese Barf Footage. Good stuff.
It’s amazing how easily you can ruin both cheese and sushi.
8. Mixed Drinks That Try Too Hard
No one needs a grilled cheese martini. This is not something anyone should ever consume. Why would you soak skittles in a jar of vodka and drink the fluorescent liquid that results? I have far too many questions for the people who make videos like this.
Oh god why. It’s like drinking a tie-dye t-shirt.
Anyway, this is but a small taste of the horrors this Facebook group’s catalog. Whether you rightfully hate them, or bear the shame of thinking some of these might actually taste pretty good, I hope you find a place in your social media life for some of these communities of bad food lovers.