Ok… full disclosure, I’m on an intermittent fasting diet at the moment, so I can’t actually eat breakfast. But that’s not going to stop me from weighing in: American breakfasts are just desserts. Can we please stop pretending otherwise at this point?
Pancakes
They literally have the word “cake” in them! Would you wake up to a slice of black forest gateau with your coffee? Not unless you’re some kind of absurd hedonist. Who could stomach a stack of those starchy griddled things, drenched in like a solid cup or syrup and a pat of butter (as if everything else weren’t enough). Oh sure, you’ll slice a few strawberries or blueberries on top to feel better about yourself. I’m certain that’ll cancel out the mountain of sugar you decided to consume first thing in the morning. Pancakes are just boneless waffles anyway.
Waffles
Pretty much anywhere other than the US, these are exclusively a dessert. But here, someone decided it would be a great idea to make these a viable option for the most important meal of the day. If there’s anything worse than pancakes, it’s these horrific things. The holes are specifically designed to increase surface area (so more grease can get in) and to hold pockets of that disgusting pancake syrup stuff. Of course, people don’t stop there. Some will add chocolate chips or sprinklings of powdered sugar. Sorry, but no amount of fruit slices on top is gonna make that less bad for you.
French Toast
If there’s anything the French think they do better than everyone else, it’s food. Interestingly, French toast was actually invented by the ancient Romans (sorry, France) and is described in one of the world’s oldest cookbooks. It was conceived, I imagine, as a way to make bread, which is already unhealthy, even less healthy, by drenching it in a sugary custard, frying it and covering it in all manner of toppings. One has the option to further harm one’s health by replacing the regular old bread with oily, eggy challah or (God forbid) with a buttery block of brioche. How can this can be passed off as a breakfast? Who is responsible for normalizing this?
Doughnuts
Don’t even get me started on these. They’re literally fried wheels of dough covered in sugar and filled with more sugar. How can anyone spin this as anything other than literally just dessert?
Pastries
This one is tricky, because they even have most of Europe fooled. However, lets not pretend that that breakfast Danish is something your body needs upon waking up. It’s full of butter and sugary jam. It might even have icing. Sure, these laminated dough concoctions may try to obscure their true nature. But let’s be honest – that apple turnover is just a pie – the most classic of desserts. You can give it a name or change up the shape, but it’s all sugary fruit in buttery dough, no matter how you look at it. Doughnuts are rarely able to hide how sweet and unfit for breakfast consumption they truly are. But other “breakfast” pastries are desserts hiding in plain sight, so watch out.
I’m no opponent of unhealthy food, but what I demand is consistency. If I can’t eat cookies for breakfast, why is a syrupy waffle any different? How long, I am forced to ask, will we suffer beneath the yoke of these arbitrary rules that dictate what can and cannot be eaten first thing in the morning? Eat what you want for breakfast, but don’t be fooled into thinking these foods are any different from shoving your face full of candy. Sorry, but it’s just dessert.