Facebook stalking that cute guy in your math class who you’re too afraid to talk to can be exhausting. When you need a break from wallowing in your loneliness, grab a carton of B&J’s because ice cream will never let you down. Here’s why it’s better than a boyfriend (or girlfriend).
1. Ice cream doesn’t pressure you to commit.
Monogamy is a thing (ugh), but you should never be forced to limit your taste to a single flavor of glorious frozen creaminess. Say goodbye to him judging you for drooling over J-Bieb’s steamy insta post and hello to endless possibilities.
2. Ice cream is scientifically proven to make you happier.
There is scientific research showing that tasting ice cream actually activates pleasure centers in our brains. So does love, but that comes with wayyyyy too many strings attached so let’s not fight this beast. Put some duct tape over the nutrition label and treat yo’self.
3. Ice cream is always there.
On the nights he’s too busy playing some god-awful video game with his boiiz (why), you can Netflix and chill with the desert of your dreams. And all it takes is just a short walk to the freezer. You got it, dude.
4. Ice cream always tastes good.
You try not to show it, but let’s be real — your crush’s morning breath makes you want to keel over. You know what doesn’t have morning breath? A milkshake covered in whipped cream with a cherry on top.
5. Ice cream is customizable.
Ugh he would be perfect, if only he didn’t (fill in the blank). In a world of photoshopped gods on billboards and commercials, we have unrealistic expectations for men. But we can’t help that. The one thing we can make absolutely perfect is our ice cream, so let’s just do that.
6. Ice cream doesn’t need you to put makeup on.
In the awkward abyss between crush and FB official, you probs wanna look your best when you’re hanging with your man. The best thing about ice cream? It doesn’t fackin care if you have yesterday’s mascara running down your face because you thought it was a good idea to re-watch The Notebook for the 24th time (sob).
7. You can share ice cream with your girlfriends.
The idea of your roomie swapping spit with your sloppy seconds probably makes you want to dump her wardrobe on the lawn (after you pick out all the things you secretly envy from afar). The good thing about a gallon of ice cream is you can pass that puppy around all night.
8. Ice cream doesn’t talk.
I have yet to deduce a sound answer to the question on every girl’s mind: why are guys such IDIOTS? It’s like they were made to just stand there shirtless, smile, and not talk. Ever. Ice cream doesn’t have abs for you to drool over, but at least it knows when to shut up.
9. Ice cream is forever.
Crushes/one-night stands/boyfriends come and go. And thank goodness they do. The one companion that will never get tired of hearing you bitch about how you’ll never be able to have your dream Pinterest wedding… You guessed it: ice cream. Keep spooning, ladies.