Democratic candidate for President Bernie Sanders is 74-years-old. So yeah, for all of us in our roaring twenties who “literally can’t even,” step up. For anyone that’s noticed, being POTUS basically sucks the life force out of you and everyone in the White House (Michelle Obama’s arms NOT included). This got me wondering, if Bernie Sanders got elected, how would a man nearing his 80s handle the heat?

Well Bernie, as vivacious as you are, I think some dietary changes are in order. If the White House is to accommodate someone of your “wisdom,” things have to start getting soft.



Photo by Kristina Kim

While he’s not soft on matters of federal minimum wage, you bet oatmeal would be nice and soft on the palate of old Bernie.



Photo by Analiese Trimber

This fruit just sounds like the old version of a peach. If he’s ever stuck in a summit he’s ready to get out of, he could suck on one of these bad boys. The sound will probably be so intolerable, it’ll have everyone there begging for world peace. World 0, Sanders 1.



Photo by Susanna Tuan

His milkshake brings all the lobbyists to the yard, and they’re like, let’s battle climate change to save the planet.

Mashed Bananas


Photo by Delissa Handoko

Because when you eat dinner at 5 pm, things get b.a.n.a.n.a.s.



Photo by Kendra Valkema

Nothing like a soft, All-American, treat to gorge when you’re busy fighting for women’s rights.

Cottage Cheese


Photo by Tarunima Kumar

This food just seems like a personification, you know? That’s because he’s a Vermonter, and there’s nothing like some Vermont cottage cheese (if you made that joke superficial, know you went there on your own).



Photo by Margaret Weinberg

Have you seen Bernie’s twitter? For 74, his game is strong. Beet drop. Keep it real, Sanders.