Pardoning the Thanksgiving turkey has apparently been a longstanding tradition at the White House—but what exactly does the turkey need pardoned for? Should we be pardoning our own Thanksgiving turkeys for their transgressions as well? This year, the answer is yes.
There’s no telling what your turkey was up to before it got to you, but we put together a list of possible offenses that would require some serious pardoning.
1. Indecent Exposure
Your turkey was a bit of a wild child and was always the first one on the farm to volunteer to streak through the cornfields after the farmer went to bed. Or maybe he was just trying to impress his lady turkey friend with his long dewlap.
2. Underage Drinking
Just because you used to steal sips of champagne from the adult table when you were underage doesn’t mean your turkey should have done the same.
3. Bad Dancing
So your turkey wanted to shake his tail-feather and wasn’t very good at it. I wouldn’t call this a “major” offense, but it deserves some pardoning nonetheless.
4. Cannibalism
Things can get pretty intense on those long winter nights when everyone is huddled together to keep warm. Maybe your turkey got desperate and thought the end was near. Maybe he didn’t think he had a choice—it was either him or his turkey brother Joey.
5. Foul Language & Murder
Your turkey could very well have been the Al Capone of turkeys. He could have been running an entire mob of turkeys back on the farm, responsible for the death of many innocent chickens. But now, karma has done its job and Foul Capone has finally met his maker.
No matter what your turkey may have been guilty of in its past life, I’m sure he or she will still be juicy nonetheless. So forgive and forget, and dig in.