With dozens of tasty restaurants available on campus and choices often fueled by alcohol, it was mandatory to bring the “What’s the fattest thing you’ve ever done” phenomena originally asked on Reddit, right to the University of Illinois. I asked students to recall the grossest/fattest/weirdest thing they’ve ever done with food. The answers are impressive and will make you feel good about yourself. All responses remain anonymous since these activities are so tragically embarrassing that a name could ruin a reputation. Keep in mind that these answers are from your peers, the future of America. Enjoy.
1. You do you
“I ordered a large Domino’s pizza and ate it while I sat in my bed. I fell asleep with the box on my lap. Woke up the next morning and continued to eat the pizza until it was gone.”
2. Cookie Monster
“Freshman year I had an Insomnia coupon for ‘Buy 12 cookies get 12 cookies free’ so I ordered it all by myself.”
3. This raises an important question: Why doesn’t Chipotle sell queso?
“Went to Torticas and picked up queso and then went to Chipotle and ate my burrito bowl with queso on it…so worth it, no regret.”
4. Sharing is for Kindergartners
“Ordered 2 extra large Papa John’s pizzas for myself and tried to hide them under my futon so my roommates wouldn’t ask to share.”
5. Five-second rule
“I ate the succulent Sweet Baby Ray’s chicken fingers and fries off the floor at the United Center after I drunkenly knocked it all out of my basket.”
6. An interesting outfit
“My friend woke up naked on the opposite end of the bed with a Wendy’s spicy chicken on her chest. I don’t know if that’s the fattest thing, but it’s hilarious.”
7. Good investment
“Spent 30 bucks at Wingin’ Out, that was a sad morning.”
8. Poor life choice or great life choice?
“Woke up next to a McDonald’s half eaten wrap that wasn’t mine and ate it in the morning.”
9. Great customer service
“I eat Noodles and Company so often that now when I call I just say my name and they say, ‘We will have your Bacon Mac ready in five minutes.'”
10. You can put this on a resume
“Last night a friend and I got DP Dough and I ate the whole Roni Zoni in approximately 1 min and 45 seconds.”
Photo by Rachel Williamson
11. Hey we’re all friends
“After eating several slices of pizza at Lolla I was still hungry so I finished some random guy’s half eaten food that was on the ground next to me (I was not sober).”
12. The real reason to be a server
“At my waitressing job this summer I would get so hungry that I would wait for my tables to leave and then eat left over food straight off of their plates (I was sober).”
13. Take a penny take a pizza
“One time I was so drunk at Second Story and didn’t have any money with me so when the worker turned around to get my 2 slices of sausage pizza I stole money out of the tip jar to pay for it.”
14. Unofficial brings out the worst in everyone
“Ate a chicken burrito (I’m a vegetarian)—Unofficial 2014”
15. When the drunchies quickly set in
“A bar crawl 2012: looked around, noticed I was really hungry, went to Geo’s and ordered a large pizza, mozzarella sticks, and a large fry. I took it home and ate the entire thing, then threw up #godbless.”
16. The darker years
“When I was younger, aka when I was 80 pounds overweight, my parents wouldn’t buy junk food for me. So, I would walk over to my neighbor’s house during their snack time and eat anything I could find in their snack pantry. Then, I would walk back over to my house and sit for a while and then throw up from being so full. Every. Time. So my mom banned me from going over there.”
17. Baller on a budget
“I packed a suitcase full of only ramen for Padre spring break 2014.”
18. The freshman 15 is for rookies
“Gained 30 pounds freshman year. ‘Nuff said.”
19. Hitting up all of UIUC’s greatest landmarks
“After drinking heavily at Kam’s I went to fat sandwich…by myself…went to lion drink more and then hit up Torticas on the way home.”
20. Two points for creativity
“Ate an entire bag of pizza rolls and dipped each one in Alfredo sauce.”
Photo by Parsa Lotfi
21. Peanut Butter Nutella—a million dollar idea
“I opened new jars of peanut butter and Nutella and took spoonfuls of each and ate them together until I finished both jars. Then I proceeded to eat 2 bags of popcorn.”
22. There’s an app for that
“After coming home from being out I couldn’t find a fork in the cafeteria to eat my pasta so I used my phone as a fork instead…OK that’s more of a blacked out thing though.”
23. This one was said by a small female
“Finished a pizza-eating contest that the large 200 pound man next to me couldn’t complete. Ordered a quart of ice cream on the way out.”
24. The worst thing your brother could experience at college
“Last year my brother came to visit U of I. It was his 16th birthday and I was ready to show him the time of his life. He got into Joe’s for happy hour and then we later went to a party at a senior house. I thought everything went amazing and he was alive so that was a bonus. Until I got a call from my mother the next morning stating, ‘You’re brother was horrified!’ I pondered for a second and thought OMG WHAT COULD MY BROTHER HAVE SEEN?!? It was not cocaine, it was not a random drunk college hookup doing creepy things in a dark corner, but it was in fact his own sister. I figured he was hungry so I brought him to fat sandwich where I ordered 2 FAT F’s which consist of cheesesteak, chicken fingers, mozzarella Sticks, ketchup and Mayo. I devoured my fat sandwich and then half of his. He told my mom it was the scariest thing he has every seen someone eat and he said, ‘Mom if a boy that Kate* likes ever saw her eat fat sandwich he wouldn’t like her anymore.’
Needless to say my addiction to the FAT F is why I gained the freshman 24….I could go for one right now.”
25. Life Tip: make your food so repulsive no one wants any
“I went to a date event with a guy and afterwards I made four packs of mac n cheese and tried to force my date to eat two but he wouldn’t eat any because I put mayo on them, so I ended up eating all four.”
26. Happiness is (a lot of) pizza
“My friend and I bought a large Drew’s pizza (RIP) dropped it face down on Green Street but 5 second rule #eatclean picked it up, ate it on the way back to Bromley and topped it off with 2 slices of second story. This was also the week that I discovered Drew’s pizza (5 dollar large pizza after midnight) and I had one 7 consecutive nights in a row.”
27. Portion control
“I ate an entire full-sized bag of Lay’s chips with French onion dip in one sitting. Sober.”
28. Life goals
“When I was in 5th grade I won an ice cream sandwich eating contest at Busch Stadium. I beat 3 other boys. It was on the Jumbotron. 40,000 people saw. I got a standing ovation.”
29. Eggsplosion
“One time I made two key lime pies for my family, I ate half of one, then half of the other in the same day (do the math). Turns out the eggs I used were recalled and I got salmonella poisoning.”
30. Nothing is impossible
“I ate Fat Sandwich….sober.”
31. Déjà vu
“One time my friend ordered Silver Mine and then she went back in that same night and they were like, ‘You again’ She had forgotten that she had ordered Silver Mine the first time.”
Photo by Sharpay Zhang
32. Happy Thanksgiving
“Once I took down an entire pumpkin pie—just me, a fork and a can of whipped cream in hand. Followed closely by the worst sugar high/crash of my life. Still haven’t decided if it was the best or worst of times.”
33. No need to chew, just inhale
“Last week I ate 14 mozzarella sticks in about 3 minutes. Woke up and had a couple more for breakfast but no regrets.”
34. Saving energy and helping the planet
“Forgot to shut the oven off one time I made pizza, so I made another since the oven was already preheated… ate 2 pizzas alone…in a dark corner.”
35. Grab and go
“I once stole a handful of a man’s fries and then walked out the door at Geo’s.”
36. I wonder how his arteries are doing
“In my prime I got fat sandwich 5 times in one week.”
37. One man’s trash is another man’s allergy
“After my 21st birthday, I ate my friends DP Dough out of the garbage can. The worst part about this story is that I’m allergic to gluten, I was sick for a week.”
38. This lazy innovation
“Once I wanted cheesecake but only had cream cheese and sugar so I took a spoonful of cream cheese and dipped it in granulated sugar for the sweet cheesecake taste. Then I did that 6 more times.”
39. Someone call Guinness World Records
“One time I had 5 McDonald’s Cokes in one day.”
40. Pre-gaming pizza with chicken fingers
“Last week I ordered Domino’s while still at Geo’s eating.”
Photo courtesy of steadypizza.com
*Names have been changed in this article to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.