1999. Computer lab. Shit got real. You rushed through your Type to Learn R, T, Y & U module so you could have some time to play a full game of Oregon Trail. Literally no idea who created this game because it was as messed up as they come — your loved ones, your food source, your oxen, and yourself died slow, painful, pixelated deaths. If only you knew what to pack, amirite? If your favorite computer game was real life, here’s what you’d need to survive the trek from Missouri to Oregon without breaking an arm and drowning. RIP.
#SpoonTip: Oregon Trail is an award-winning iOS game for children. Concerning, America. Concerning. Google it, I can’t make this up.
Photo courtesy of classicgaming.gamespy.com
Disclaimer: No idea if these foods would actually avoid Trail death, but they seem legit. Remember, many wagons fail to make it all the way to Oregon. Try not to be one of them.
Marshmallows
Photo by Rachel Labarre
Nothing like a good campfire snack for your two young children that you forced to ride in an unsafe wagon as you try to achieve Manifest Destiny. Think about creative ways to feast on them — childhood depression is no joke.
Meat
Photo by Helena Lin
You need something to kill and eat on the way, you savage. Make all these meaty recipes, because you’ll definitely shoot more meat than your wagon can carry.
Buffalo
But since no one really eats that these days, settle for buffalo sauce. Plus, the buffalo extinction is quickly impending.
Corn
Photo by Tiare Brown
Travels well and you spent years harvesting it on your Missouri farm prior to the trip of a lifetime. Things are gonna get crazy when you shuck and cook it real quick.
Greens
Photo by Kristine Mahan
Need that roughage, just try not to get diarrhea. Salads for days.
Alcohol
Photo by Christin Urso
Getting drunk is the only way to deal with this boredom. Plus it can sanitize all your wounds. Win-win. Other uses for alcohol right here.
Packaged Foods
Photo courtesy of mentalfloss.com
Because you can get cholera from raw fruits and veggies and poorly cooked seafood. Ain’t nobody trynna die from cholera toooo early. Avoid these annoying packaging quirks, though.
Bananas
Photo by Abigail Wang
For when you have some leaky dysentery and you don’t want to die just yet. Whip up any of these bad boys if you feel like baking during your travels. Oh, and apparently you can eat the banana peels and ripen them quickly if your diarrhea ain’t waiting for no one.
Lots of Calcium
Photo by Stephanie Lee
Your child will break an arm. Hell, you’ll break a leg. You need to keep those bones strong by eating plenty of leafy greens, milk, yogurt, broccoli, tofu, almonds and green beans.
Comfort Foods
Photo by Alia Wilhelm
You need something to get you through the long, lonely nights when you lose 6 oxen, your wheels break, you run out of money, and/or your entire family dies. Lots can happen in a day, so treat yo self.
Trail Mix
Photo courtesy of robinskey.com
Because you’re on the Oregon Trail. Duh. Get mixin’.
Potatoes
Photo by Devon Carlson
Idk, but they def ate these along the trail so STFU and pack ’em, son. Hassleback them like a boss.
Bacon
Photo by Christin Urso
Because it’s always been American. Get jiggy with the piggy.
Grains
Photo by Sarah Silbiger
Carbs to get you through the day, and the rice will constipate you away from dysentery. Score. Learn about other grains right hurr.
Spices
Photo by Christin Urso
Flavor up your food, but also trade them with the very racist representations of Native Americans along your journey. And they can help you kick a cold, because every trailblazer be sick.
Coffee
Photo by Sharon Cho
Trade the beans. Drink the beans. You’ll definitely be suffering from exhaustion, so look alive, partner. And you can cook with it.
Beans
Photo courtesy of lakewood.advocatemag.com
Speaking of beans, grab some cans and throw them into your pack for protein, convenience and vegetarianism. Hint: All your livestock will get chlamydia. And die. They’ll last when your wagon and all your belongings get destroyed in a river, and they make you fart for some very necessary tension release.
Oatmeal
Photo by Becky Hughes
Breakfast of champions. Porridge for all. And when you’re missing home, you can transform it to taste like your favorite childhood snacks. #tbt
Chicken & Eggs
Photo by Lily Chin
Ah, genius. Bring chickens to lay some eggs for great, fresh, protein-rich breakfasts. Then slaughter them for dinner. Harsh, I know, but it’s harsh out here on the Trail.
Photo courtesy of Rachel Williamson
A wise man named Hoodie Allen once rapped, “Bitches ride the wagon, but I’d rather give her cholera.” He is wrong. Avoid cholera. Avoid typhoid. Avoid broken limbs. Avoid extinct buffalo. Pack your wagon like a boss and make it to Oregon for once in your life. Portland or bust, yo.