The woman who might as well be the Morgan Freeman of voice-over narration for our everyday lives is at it again. She reminded us that observing the sometimes painful traditions of the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur isn’t solitary, and now she’s doing the same for Thanksgiving.
Like the Presidential duty of pardoning a turkey, Ame performs a pardoning of her own, helping Americans realize that one serving of mashed potatoes will never be enough. Sometimes you need someone to tell you what you already know and often times (JK all the time), that person is Amy Schumer.
Horrible Realization #1: You’re Totally Underdressed
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No one told me the attire was black tie optional. How the heck does anyone expect me to breathe in anything with any sort of waistband after four rounds of candied yams? Seriously, cousin Kate, put away your pencil skirt, and pencil yourself a note to DO LESS.
Horrible Realization #2: You’re Slowly Becoming Your Mother
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Why are we both nagging my dad? Was couponing always this appealing? WHY AM I CRAVING THE SCENT OF POTPOURRI!? It’s like some messed up version of Freaky Friday, but you don’t even get to be Lindsay Lohan pre-cocaine addiction, you just get to be your mom. Congrats!
Horrible Realization #3: Your 12 Year Old Cousin is on Instagram and Has 8x More Followers Than You
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WHO GETS 340 LIKES ON A PICTURE OF ICED COFFEE? Also are your boobs actually 3x the size of mine, or is it the illusion of the Valencia filter? At this age I was praying no one noticed my resistance to applying deodorant, and I was struggling to accept the fact that I desperately needed the built-in bra of my Limited Too camisole.
Horrible Realization #4: Your Bloodline Most Likely Traces Back to a Pack of Hyenas
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Two shots deep, and your dad suddenly has the aggression and testosterone level equivalent to Mike Tyson. Did someone just use their mouth as tongs for the turkey? Why is no one using silverware? This is so hands on—I’m kind of into it. Wait, can someone please tell Grandma to put down the carving knife?
Horrible Realization #5: Portion Control is a Myth
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It’s almost sadistic that you get twisted enjoyment from watching your family literally search for the “missing” half of the pumpkin pie, a fourth of which is currently residing on your plate and the other fourth, in your mouth. If this is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Horrible Realization #6: You Took a Slice of Sweet Potato Pie Instead of Pumpkin Pie
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PANIC. NO — STOP. They literally look identical, this could have happened to anyone. But you’re not totally pissed because you tell yourself you realized it was the wrong pie halfway through eating it. So, now you can finish the wrong pie, get the correct pie, and have double the pie with no remorse. Lol, suckers.
Horrible Realization #7: Your Younger Sister is Getting Married Before You Are
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She might not be dating anyone, she honestly might be 16 years old. But, when you think about the rush of emotion from a Starbucks barista spelling your name right, and you look at your white shirt displaying every morsel of food that missed your mouth tonight, in that moment, you just know.
Horrible Realization #8: You Missed Your Calling as a Parade Float Performer
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Screw the stripper jokes — this option leaves you with so much more of your dignity and comes with lower health risks. Seriously, how much are these people paid? Do you have to go to acting school to sit on a papier mâché high-rise and wave?
Horrible Realization #9: You’ve Been “Visiting” for the Past 7 Hours
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You look at the clock. 9pm. What psycho invented mingling? You got here at 2pm. You’re borderline wasted, your grandpa has asked you three times what you plan on doing with your degree, and the walls are closing in. Death by small talk. This is the absolute worst way to go.
Horrible Realization #10: You’re Actually Thankful for Things
Thankful this holiday is over. No, seriously you’re thankful! Sure, every single one of your family members should probably be committed, your self-esteem and love life are non-existent, and your life is faaaaar from together. But, you feel lucky to have these people, and alcohol, by your side.
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Thanks again, Ame, for saving our lives by pardoning us turkeys and explaining it all better than any of us ever could.