For the purposes of this article, I have chosen to buy the mint chocolate Milano flavor by Pepperidge Farm. There are a lot of different Milano cookie flavors that you can choose from though, so please don’t feel limited to just the mint flavor.
One of my former friends argues that the mint Milano flavor is actually the worst one. Personally, I find that kind of talk offensive, and I have accordingly cut off all communication with said individual. Any flavor will do for now though.
1. Find a quiet room.
This is probably the most important step. You’ll need to spend at least one hour in the room by yourself, so it’s crucial to make sure you find a setting that no one else will be entering or walking through. Try of course to choose a location with as few distractions as possible.
The walls should be relatively bare, and there should be no loud noises coming from outside your window. I would suggest turning off your phone and computer as well. The worst mistake you can make when trying to eat your Milano cookie is leaving your phone on and susceptible to the receipt of annoying texts about class notes from friends too lazy to actually go.
Also, make sure that the temperature is decent. If you’re hot, your Milano is definitely hot. And a melted Milano is a bad Milano.
2. Take a few deep breaths.
You want to be completely relaxed before you even think about eating your Milano cookie. I would suggest curling both of your hands into fists and then rotating them so that your thumbs are both turned towards your face. Push your thumbs together and count to 10 slowly. Close your eyes while you count to get the full effect. When you reach 10, breathe in and out slowly for a few moments.
This is a breathing exercise that I learned from my dad when I was stressed out about fake friends in high school, and it really works. You will feel so much more relaxed than you did when you first read that fucking annoying text from Jessica asking about tonight’s homework.
3. Open the Milano bag and look inside.
Don’t be shy. It’s kind of hard to open the bag since the top is curled into itself, so really just go at it and rip that baby apart. I know what you’re thinking–it’s not that hard to open a stupid bag of cookies Morgan you must be fucking kidding me right now. No. I am completely serious.
Pepperidge Farm is not about that steal-a-cookie-from-the-supermarket-while-youre-completely-wasted life. Once you have the bag open, peer into it and get ready to feast. You gotta embrace the Milano. You gotta sniff the Milano. You gotta lick the Milano, you gotta date the Milano, you gotta BE the Milano.
4. Pick a cookie and examine it to make sure it’s in perfect condition.
There is absolutely no chance you’ll have a nice quiet moment if your Milano is broken or even slightly defective. Make sure your cookie of choice is exceptionally oval-shaped. Also, remember to examine the entirety of the cookie to ensure that its surface has a nice, powdery texture.
If your Milanos are mint flavored, it’s especially important to make sure you can see both the mint layer and the chocolate layer evenly. If you can’t see one of them, or if the chocolate layer is encroaching on the mint or vice versa, your cookie is fucking bad. Put it back and find a better one to eat.
5. Put the cookie into your mouth and eat it.
Before you begin eating, I would suggest tucking a napkin into your sweater, so that the crumbs don’t fall into your bra or onto your fancy tie. The dissemination of crumbs can be perceived as particularly stressful while eating a Milano.
Although Pepperidge Farm products are known to be unusually sturdy, cookie crumbs are inevitable when you’re eating Milanos, so try to come prepared. Personally, I like to place the Milano in my mouth for a few seconds, usually not more than around 20, so that it becomes a little moist and easier to consume. Next, I take very, very small bites, so that I can savor the mint flavor for a markedly long amount of time.
The process of actually eating one cookie could take you 10 minutes, which is totally acceptable. If you feel uncomfortable completing this step, remember that you’re completely alone and no one is around to judge you. Otherwise, you can skip this step entirely and inhale the cookie all at once like a fucking monster.
6. Relish in the aftertaste of your Milano cookie.
The aftertaste of a Milano is one of the most satisfying aspects of the process. Bask in the afterglow. Don’t feel ashamed if you start to drool a little bit. It’s a natural human reaction to the essence of Milano cookies.
7. Grab another Milano and do it all again. And again.
If you’re concerned about your daily caloric intake, limit yourself to one or two servings, which is 2-4 cookies. If your well-being takes precedence, however, don’t feel bad about eating more than just two servings. Eat the whole bag if you’re feeling particularly hungry or sad today.
Remember that the amount of Milanos you consume won’t change your relationship with your body image or the way that others perceive you. Love yourself. Love Pepperidge Farm for fulfilling your cookie needs. Love Milano.
Interested in pursuing other activities with your Milano cookie? Check out this article!