I went grocery shopping the other day and I picked up some lettuce to use for salad throughout the week. I work a lot, everyone who knows me knows that so I don’t have much time for cooking or going out. Standing there in the store I thought “salad is easy, salad is healthy, I need lettuce and dressing.”

It took a lot of thought when it came to picking my dressing out because I struggled with the concept of not totally destroying the purpose of salad. The last thing I want is a plate full of lettuce drowned in ranch because what’s the point of that? The ranch totally cancels out the health benefits of the salad.

I’m not trying to f*ck up my salad, ok?

I decided on a yogurt based avocado/cilantro dressing. It seemed fresh and summery and healthy and whatever else it was I thought I was supposed to want in a salad dressing.

I went home and for dinner that night made a salad with chicken and I used that dressing and after the first bite I was like whoa.

This is disgusting.

I don’t know why or how but I felt so defeated in that moment. Something I put so much thought and faith into had totally let me down and I couldn’t help but realize that so many aspects of my life had played out in a similar fashion lately.

In many ways I hope for the best. The best outcome in situations, the best in people, and the best life I could live but all too often nothing ever happens the way I want it to.

Looking back on it, the best days of my life were completely unplanned but they still happened non the less. The worst days are the ones that I tried to put all the thought and planning into and then the fact is the reality never matched up to the expectation.

I wondered when I would stop making these mistakes. I love the idea of spontaneous great days but I also love the idea of being in control of my life. I sat there with this disgusting salad dressing that I hated so much I thought “oh my god I’m 21 years old, how do I not know what kind of salad dressing I like.”

I chose a yogurt based dressing.

I’m lactose intolerant.

What is wrong with me.

Maybe I’ll keep picking the wrong salad dressing for years to come or maybe I won’t but the truth is, I learned from this frustrating experience whether I liked it or not. I don’t like avocado dressing, I shouldn’t eat anything with yogurt in it, and cilantro is gross but I hold onto the idea.

The idea that without planning or warning, I will stumble across the best salad dressing ever. A salad dressing I love and can’t live without and would never change. A salad dressing to make me happy.

I can’t plan that or put it in my calendar just like I can’t plan for when the other pieces of my life will fall into place, it’s about trusting that it will happen on it’s own. That kind of sucks, but it’s kind of amazing too.

So keep trying and picking salad dressings you think you might like, because one day you will find it.