For those of you who may not know, the act of being ghosted is when a so-called ‘romantic’ partner decides to go M.I.A. They seemingly disappear from planet Earth without the typical BS story of how they are not looking for a relationship right now. They refuse to contact you when you reach out to them and pretend that they have no idea who you are, even though you know more about their dog and favorite movies than you do your own neighbor.
Instead of finding the guts to tell you straight up that they are no longer interested, they decide to fall into a deep, deep sleep of never responding to your texts ever again.
Say, for example, you have been dating someone for the past couple of months—or weeks (but who is counting)—texting throughout the day, morning and night, flirting up a storm. You start day dreaming of where this relationship is going. Maybe this time you will ACTUALLY have a boyfriend by the holiday. You meet all his friends; he’s bought you flowers, even cooked for you. It is safe to tell grandma at Sunday dinner (when she is lecturing you about when you will bring a nice guy home) that you think you have found someone.
Until suddenly texts become sparse—and the little devil on your shoulder is telling you to panic, but you brush it off. It is getting further into the semester, which means more work and less time to text—so you reserve all efforts to freak out… for now. You are busy with your own work anyway so you are totally cool with this new less-is-more texting approach… Right?!
Once you get past the in denial phase, it hits you hard. You realize it has happened again, the thing you hate most: you have been GHOSTED.
You wasted two months of your life getting close to someone, letting your guard down (which you hate doing and so rarely do) for someone who now has decided that they want NOTHING. TO. DO. WITH. YOU. Oatmeal cookies with raisins that look like chocolate chips are not the only reason you have trust issues now.
So what do you do? How do you get revenge on the ‘ghoster’ who claimed they were not like the rest? Here is how:
Step 1: Get your groove on.
At this stage, the fact that you have been ghosted is still fresh and all you want to do is call the person up and leave a very aggressive voicemail calling them out on their Casper (the not so friendly ghost) ways. But do not do it.
Instead, listen to your favorite angst album, throwback tunes, old school Jennifer Lopez, your choice. Dance it out, scream the lyrics off the top of your lungs, blast the car radio, whatever works. I am all about solo dance parties in my bedroom mirror. And remember that you are STILL Jenny from the block, and no one can bring you down.
Step 2: Have a girls night out.
There is nothing better than talking things out with your girlfriends who totally get it. Plus they let their real opinions shine through like: “he looked like an orangutan anyways,” “he dresses like he is in his thirties,” “your kids will look cuter with someone else.” Totally ridiculous commentary, but you cannot help but be thankful and laugh out loud anyways.
They are the people who love you no matter if you have seen all the Star Wars movies or not. So whether you go out on the town, watch sappy movies like “Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging,” while doing Korean bubble masks, or going to your favorite diner and pigging out on mac and cheese and pancakes, turning to your friends to lift your spirits is always the way to go.
Step 3: Make art about how you are feeling.
The flowers I had gotten from the person who ghosted me were not dying—ironic. I had these flowers staring at me, mocking me that they were still alive unlike my sort of relationship.
So I took them, dipped them in ink, and made various compositions of impression prints with them. People will look at what you created and relate over it—that’s what art is about. Don’t think about the finished product, just worry about letting yourself feel your emotions and expressing them in a positive way.
Look at Taylor Swift, she has been cranking out albums from her failed relationships… so what is stopping you? Channel your energy into creating something. Splatter paint on canvas, write a song or poem, choreograph a dance, make a short film—because no one can stop you. Take the negatives and make them positive. Maybe even write a Spoon University article about it.
Step 4: Sweat it out.
If solo dance parties mentioned in step one is not cutting it or is not quite your style, then head to the gym you got a membership at back in January when you promised yourself that going weekly would be your New Year’s resolution.
If you are not a gym person—try taking yoga or fitness classes. No more “Namaste in bed” and cry and eat my feelings out. It is time to pull a Khloe Kardashian revenge body transformation. Get up, get out, run like the wind. Elle Woods said it best, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands [ghosters].”
Step 5: Glam out.
Around this time, you are itching for a little more of an immediate physical change that working out is not providing. So dye your hair that crazy color you have always wanted. Go blonde because they have more fun, right? Or go black like the soul of the guy that was dumb enough to walk away. Maybe chop off your locks like Katy Perry after things went down the tubes with Orlando Bloom.
If you are not feeling a change of hair, there is nothing a little retail therapy cannot fix. So splurge on the new Victoria’s Secret PINK line. If your underwear and bra combo is matching, you can rule the world.
Step 6: But first… let me take a selfie.
Now that you are feeling 10/10, it is time to post the most BOMB selfie ever. One look at those pearly whites and he will cry himself his own river. And do not forget the lyric caption that shows you are so over it. To quote Beyoncé, “BOY BYE!”
Step 7: Swiper no swiping.
At this point, the fact that you have been ghosted should feel so yesterday. You are ready to get back out there and window shop. Because who is better than you? No one, not even Becky. So make a Tinder and match with his hotter friend. No harm, no foul. Just kidding, do that or don’t do that. Focus on you and do not surround yourself with people who make you feel small or inferior.
I know it is hard not to want to ding dong ditch his house and leave the flowers he got you for Valentine’s Day (total mind f**k) on the doorstep, but it can’t rain forever homie! Remember who you are before you met him and don’t change, because the right people will gravitate towards you and stay.
We have all have been guilty of ghosting someone at some point or another, but when it happens to you, it is not fun. In this day and age of social media and online dating, it is so easy for someone to find a replacement you. If things are not going exactly how the person planned, swipe right and BOOM. Here is another match and she has a better weave than Becky with the good hair.
Unfortunately, this twenty first century problem of hiding behind screens has taken away human decency of expressing and communicating how we feel. Next time you want to ghost someone, be the bigger person and remember: karma always bites back.