If anyone channels their inner Guy Fieri on a regular basis, it’s me. I mean, no one does Guy Fieri better than Guy Fieri, but, as a girl with a framed picture of him on my coffee table, I can confidently say that I am one of his biggest fans.
People who come over question why I would have his picture sitting on my coffee table. My roommate even questioned my morale when I told her it was going in our living room. I have always been a fan of the notorious “Diners Drive-Ins and Dives,” and of course, “Guy’s Grocery Games.” I often find myself referring to my kitchen as “Flavor Town,” and every time I go to my hairdresser I consider bleaching my tips. Living like a true Fierian takes skills and time, so I have taken the liberty of compiling some advice for any future Fierian’s out there.
1. When referring to a place, always put the word “flavor” in front of it.
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For example: “Suh dude, you going to the Flavor Club later?”
2. Bleach your tips.
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(This is not optional.)
3. ONLY wear sunglasses on the back of your head, so people know you are always watching them.
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Only wear them when in contact with sunlight, after crying from eating something too spicy (which is rare), or if they have flames on them.
4. NEVER regret eating anything.
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Food is glorious. Food is everything. Food is a way of life.
5. Make bizarre noises when you eat said food. The louder the better.
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Make sure to get some food in your bleached beard too, it adds to your character.
6. Exert copious amounts of self confidence.
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You are the President of The United States of Flavor. You sell cookware at Target. You. Are. Guy Fieri.
7. Drive a cool, vintage, muscle car.
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Just don’t be seen in the same one twice and be sure to have a camera crew follow you down a highway at all times.
8. Invest in approximately 43 Hawiian type shirts with flames on them and find ways to incorporate flames into every aspect of your home.
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This is not my bathroom, but I wish it was.
9. Stop drinking water and drink taco grease instead.
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This is vital. You want to feel the Fieri in your veins.
10. Print out a picture of him and frame it. Put it in the open for everyone who visits your home to see.
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This is the photo I chose to display in my apartment. I recommend framing something similar.
11. Claim that Steve from Smash Mouth is your “brother from another mother.”
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Note the similarity in facial hair.
12. Stop reading your daily horoscope and read these instead:
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Now go forth my fellow Fierians. Bleach your tips, draw flames in your notebooks, look up his fraternity composite photo and convince your friends to join the movement.